Thursday, December 30, 2010

17 weeks

How far along: 17 weeks

Size of baby: 5.1 in; 5.9 oz - the size of an onion.

The baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints.

Maternity Clothes: I actually wore a pair of maternity pants a few days ago out of the house for the first time. I did wear a belt with them, but other than feeling a little big, I was so comfortable. I'm not going 100% in maternity clothes yet, but it nice to know that if I'm feeling uncomfortable I have more than yoga pants to wear now.

Weight Gain: I went to our 16w appt on Monday and I was up a total of 7lbs (6 of them gained in 4 weeks)!!! Our midwife said it's the holidays ... and she was right. I went down a bit and now am up a total of 4.5 - 5 lbs. I'm more comfortable with that.

Belly: 17 weeks. Notice my kick-ass maternity pants with my belt. I am starting to love elastic waist bands. I promise myself that I will get better photos on here. I have an expensive camera - I should be using it.

Stretch Marks: None so far. I am pretty good about my regiment - baby oil after showering, lotion before dressing and pregnancy oil before bed. Not sure it's going to help, but I'm super soft!

Sleep: I'm super sick this week, so I'm miserable sleeping. C got me a body pillow for Xmas and I have been hugging that, but now that I can't breathe out of my nose, I'm forced to sleep in a sort of upright position.

Best Moment of the Week: Setting up the gender ultrasound.

Movement: I am definitely sure that I felt the baby that first time, but now I'm not really sure. Sometimes I think I feel it, sometimes I think it's just gas.

Symptoms: Here are two interesting (or TMI) symptoms I have noticed.
1. For a few weeks, when I sneeze I have been peeing a little bit. Wonderful! Now that I am sick, I sneeze all the time - I had to change my underwear twice yesterday. Lesson learned: Do Kegels!
2. I swore I had been battling a yeast infection for like six weeks. I did OTC stuff, but was still not feeling better. Come to find out, I don't and didn't have a yeast infection, but pregnancy makes the PH balance off down there and can cause a little itching. Ways to treat - take a bathing soda or oatmeal bath or apparently sperm can balance out the PH. So another lesson learned: Have more sex.

Food cravings: No more consistent cravings.

Gender: We find out in two weeks!!! YAY!

What I Miss: This week - I especially miss feeling NOT sick.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Getting more of a roundness in the belly and did I mention, finding out if there is a little boy or girl rolling around in there? :)

Weekly Wisdom: See symptoms for lessons learned.

Milestones: Wearing maternity pants.

Emotions: Still weepy watching movies. And kind of depressed this week, but that's mainly because I've been stuck in my house for DAYS. I'm feeling a little better today. I'm hoping to venture outside.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

16w5d - Sick and Set!

Christmas came and went and it was good. Family came over on Xmas Eve for my annual Xmas Eve Open House. I usually love throwing this event, but I was exhausted from all the running around - and I'm only pregnant. Makes me think twice about hosting it next year with an infant.

Anyhow, the joy of Christmas itself has been diluted by the fact that I'm sick. Boo. Being sick sucks. Being sick while pregnant so you can't take any symptom masking medicine - BLOWS. Plus on top of being sick we had a major snow storm here in good 'ole Jersey and C and my brother J are stuck in the house with me. Let me just say that I may not be the only miserable one here. And I feel a little angst towards J because he was the one who got me sick. Although he is feeling better, I'm sure the hole I've been burning into the back of his head with fiery stink eyes will start to hurt soon. (I hate being sick.)

But on an upside, I had my 16w midwife appointment yesterday. We got to hear the heartbeat again and C videotaped it so we have it on "record". It took the nurse a bit to find the heartbeat and C admitted to me in the car afterwards that for a second he was getting nervous that they weren't going to find it. But all was fine. The heartbeat was in the high 150s. The midwife then came in and she said all is going well - my uterus is growing "wonderfully" and although I'm concerned about my weight gain (I've gained 6 lbs in 4.5 weeks) she said, "it's the holidays. Don't worry about it. Keep eating good and keep exercising." So that made me feel better. I was suppose to get the second blood draw for the triple screen yesterday since it needs to be done between 16 and 19 weeks, but the lab person didn't make it yesterday (due to the snow). So instead of coming back for my next appointment in four weeks - which would make me 20w4d - my next appt is in 2.5weeks - 19w exactly. So you know what that means ... that means that I get to find out if there is a little boy or little girl in there on January 14th!!! I'm sooo excited! It's so exciting to actually have the gender ultrasound set. It's going to go by so fast. So ladies, get your guesses in ...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

16 weeks

OK - I have been really shitty about blogging anything other than my weekly updates. I'm hoping once the holidays have passed that I have a little more free time - physically and mentally - to share. Again, like a few weeks ago, I have several posts started about other topics, but haven't had a chance to complete them. This will be my New Year's resolution. Mainly because when the baby is born, I want to print out each post and add it to the baby book. So baby will know what I was doing and thinking while it was growing.

How Far Along:
16 weeks

Size of baby: 4.6 in, 3.5 oz - the size of an Avocado.

I better watch what I say... tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean the little one can now pick up my voice. Eyebrows, lashes and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming.

Maternity Clothes: I got the stuff from O.ld Navy and everything was way too big. I need to return them all. :( The jeans were OK, but ended up returning them in the store and getting a size smaller than my regular jeans size. They fit good and are super comfy. Some pants still fit and others need the belly band. I did buy one pair of work pants from M.otherhood Maternity and they are so comfortable. I'm probably not 100% ready for them, but I'm sure I'll grow into them.

Weight Gain: Oh - this is starting to get me nervous. I spent the whole first trimester with no weight gain, maybe 1 lb. But now, I feel like it's coming on fast! As of this morning, I am up a total of 5 lbs.

Belly: C and I are terrible at this. I will get one up soon!

Stretch Marks: None so far. Linea nigra is getting darker and I've noticed that I'm starting to get a little peach fuzz on my belly.

Sleep: I'm still sleeping on my stomach, but am starting to feel a little discomfort in doing so. So to the left side it is.

Best Moment of the Week: Feeling the baby move! Yup - it happened. See below.

Movement: I was sitting in the car Friday night coming back from NYC and all of a sudden I felt two little "pop-pop"s. It felt like bubbles bursting. I said to C "Either I have gas in my vagina or I just felt the baby move." I'm going with the latter. :)

Symptoms: Headaches are still there, but not as much. Other than that, I'm feeling good.

Food cravings: No more consistent cravings.

Gender: OMG - this is getting too hard to wait! Only a few more weeks and then we can find out!

What I Miss: Nothing in particular.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Looking a little more pregnant than just fat. Feeling the baby move MORE!!!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't weight yourself everyday. I have been doing that and freaking out. I completely understand that I will be gaining weight, but I guess as someone who had struggled with weight her whole life, it's difficult to see the scale go up. So my advice to you - and ME - don't get on that scale. Just get weighed at your appts.

Milestones: The baby moving. Nothing better than that at this point.

Emotions: I'm good these days. I find that my emotions go from one extreme to another.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

15 weeks

How Far Along: 15 weeks

Size of baby: 4 inches, 2.5 oz - the size of a Naval Orange. (that's big!) :)

Baby is busy moving amniotic fluid through its nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in its lungs begin to develop. The baby's legs are growing longer than the arms now, and can move all of its joints and limbs. Although its eyelids are still fused shut, they can sense light.

Maternity Clothes: I bought some work pants from O.ld Navy and a pair of jeans. Still waiting for them to come in the mail. My work pants fit today, but may not fit tomorrow. I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable though. I think I'm in the "in-between" stage.

Weight Gain: As of Tuesday, I'm up 4 lbs.

Belly: Here is where I will be posting belly shots. I still have to take one for 15 weeks.

Stretch Marks: None so far. Linea nigra is getting darker and I've noticed that I'm starting to get a little peach fuzz on my belly.

Sleep: I'm still sleeping on my stomach, but am starting to feel a little discomfort in doing so. So to the left side it is.

Best Moment of the Week: Hearing the heartbeat at the OB on Monday. Even though I've been hearing it at home, this is the first time I've heard it at the office. It was in the 160s.

Movement: Nope. I can't wait!

Symptoms: Headaches and a little round ligament pulling. Man does that hurt!

Food cravings: No more consistent cravings, but when I hear about something someone ate, I want it and want it then. A few days ago I wanted nachos like nobody's business. :)

Gender: The closer it gets, the more I want to know. I still have about a month before we can find out.

What I Miss: Nothing in particular.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Looking a little more pregnant than just fat. Feeling the baby move!!!

Weekly Wisdom: Drink water, water, water. It helps with headaches, constipation and overall function. (This is not from me, but from C. He is on my case about making sure I drink enough water.)

Milestones: 15 weeks - it's a milestone. Really, every week is a milestone!

Emotions: I am still weepy. But really only watching movies or commercials. But it comes on FAST!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

14 weeks

How Far Along: 14 weeks

Size of baby: 3.4 inches, 1.5 oz - the size of a lemon.

Baby is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth.

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but about 50% of my pants need to be unbuttoned or I need to use the Bella Band. Although it doesn't work that great because I'm not THAT big, so it keeps falling down in the back.

Weight Gain: Jumped on the scale yesterday morning and even after a vacation eating frenzy, I'm only up 2 lbs.

Stretch Marks: None so far. Linea nigra is getting darker and I've noticed that I'm starting to get a little peach fuzz on my belly.

Sleep: I'm up about once a night to pee, but sleep has gotten a little better. I can still sleep on my stomach.

Best Moment of the Week: Being alone with C and enjoying our last "baby-free" vacation.

Movement: I'm wishful thinking here, but last night I felt a little "something". I'm sure it was gas or a cramp, but since it's getting close I'm more aware of any feeling I have in that area.

Symptoms: Symptoms are dwindling down. Not as tired, bbs don't hurt anymore. Pregnancy brain is in full effect though. :) Oh, headaches - they are still going strong.

Food cravings: I haven't had many cravings lately. I don't want a burger like I did a few weeks ago. I still love salads though.

Gender: The closer it gets, the more I want to know. I still have about a month and a half before we can find out.

What I Miss: Mostly nothing. But I can say after this vacation, I do miss the occasional drink.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Looking a little more pregnant than just fat. Feeling the baby move!!!

Weekly Wisdom: If you travel while pregnant, you can deny the full body scan. Although I've read that it's not harmful to the baby, I don't think it's been around long enough to come up with accurate data. Why risk it? Get hand searched - not fun, but at least the baby will be safe.

Milestones: I hear the heart beat whenever I use my doppler. No more searching. :)

Emotions: I am WE-EPY all the time. While we were at Key West, there was triathlon that finished at our hotel. As the runners were finishing, I started crying. It was really ridiculous. Thank god I had my sunglasses on. :)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

13 weeks

How Far Along: 13 weeks. (minus a few hours, but I'm hopping on a plane first thing tomorrow morning, so I figured I do this tonight)

Size of baby: Almost 3 inches and about .8 oz - the size of a fuzzy, beautiful peach.

Baby is forming teeth and vocal cords. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body

Maternity Clothes: No. But I am thinking about breaking out the Bella Band soon.

Weight Gain: According to my last midwife appt - 1 lb.

Stretch Marks: None so far.

Sleep: I'm up about once a night to pee, but sleep has gotten a little better.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the baby on Monday and it looking like a baby. And seeing it fling its legs and arms around. So cute. And coming in at a close second, knowing that I'll be in warm weather on vacation in 12 hours.

Movement: No. In a few weeks I will start to lay very still for a few minutes a day to see if there is anything. I have a feeling that it's going to be about another to months before this happens, but I can't wait.

Symptoms: Tired on and off - but a lot more energy than before. Boobs still a little sore. TMI - lots of gas ;)

Food cravings: Actually my meat craving isn't as strong as before. I'm very thirsty all the time. I still want orange soda though. :)

Gender: Chinese gender chart says boy. My goddaughter and her sister both say boy (they are 3 and 4) and a friend's child who has correctly guessed 8 genders said boy. After looking at the u/s and seeing how longgg the legs are I'm starting to think boy ... but we will see in 6 weeks.

What I Miss: Having the energy to work out. I really want to, but just don't have the motivation.

What I'm Looking Forward To: VACATION TOMORROW... oh you mean baby wise ... my bump growing. I really can't wait.

Weekly Wisdom: If you post your pregnancy on FB, expect stupid comments from people. Let them roll off your back and don't let it bring you down from your baby-high. ;)

Milestones: I am officially in my second trimester!!! YAY! AND I'm 1/3 of the way to meeting my little one!!!

Emotions: Patience is running thin. I still tear up at a lot of things. I'm feeling a little less concerned about this pregnancy lasting and a little more concerned about the well-being of the baby now. I guess I better get use to this feeling - I'll be worrying for the rest of my life now about the baby.

Monday, November 29, 2010

12w4d - Photo Time

I had my first trimester screening today. All is good. Basically there is a 1 in 6000 chance that the baby has Down's and an 1 in 10,000 chance of some other chromosomal defect. So they said it's negative. I did get to see the baby for an extended period of time today - so that was awesome. We started the u/s and the baby was sleeping. The tech then started poking and pushing on my belly and making me shake around. But that baby was out cold. Then after about10 mins, she left the room and said she will be back in a few minutes. I asked her is there anything I could do and she said "Get your baby to wake up." LOL. So C said that maybe I had the baby up all night coughing (still stuffy and coughing) so I decided to start coughing, thinking maybe it will do the trick. And sure enough, when the tech came back, the baby was moving around like crazy. Flinging its arms and legs around and jumping up and down. It was so awesome. I kept giggling and the tech smiled and said "Stop laughing. I have to measure it." It was a great day.

Then I had my second OB appt. Everything is great. Blood pressure is awesome. I haven't gained any weight - well maybe one pound. She said "You're a healthy girl. Great job." I like hearing this even though I'm a little overweight. :)

I also took the plunge and posted on FB. It was nice to get all the congrats and well wishes. But I did get three comments that pissed me off. 1. "Motherhood is amazing." 2. "I knew C could get the job done." 3. "See. Good things do come to those who wait." Ok. I'm sure you all know why each of these piss me off. But in case you are still wondering, I will explain.

1. Motherhood is amazing. Ok. This is probably coming from the IFer in me. I always hated these types of FB posts. Like there is nothing else in this world that is as great as being a mom.Yes, I'm thrilled to become a mother, but still it's a stupid comment. Like I get to become a member of some secret club. "Motherhood." C told me to comment back "I'm glad my news supports your self worth." I'm so happy he gets it.
2. I knew C could get the job done. Ummm. Actually no he couldn't. And neither could I. Does that make us any less of parents to be? I wish people just wouldn't assume. (And keep in mind, this came from a family member. ugh.)
3. See. Good things do come to those who wait. The only think I can say about this is SHUT THE FUCK UP! And what bad things come to those who don't wait???

Anyway - 3 out of numerous comments isn't that bad. Maybe I should just de-friend those people. Then maybe they will learn to keep their mouths shut. :)

Here is a picture of the little bean with it's LONG legs! It's going to be a GIANT! oh and looks like an alien ... not the cutest of pictures yet. But I love it all the same!

Friday, November 26, 2010

12 weeks

How Far Along: 12 weeks (12w1d actually)!!!!

Size of baby: Over 2 inches - about the size of a plum. And about .5 oz.

All of the bodily structures are nearing an end and the baby's systems are fully formed. Now it's just growing from here on out!

Maternity Clothes: No. But I am definitely feeling tight in some of my pants.
Weight Gain: None so far! :)

Stretch Marks: No, not yet. But - and I'm not sure if this should go under the stretch marks section - I noticed today that I am starting to get that dark line from my pubic area to my belly button. C even saw it today, so I know I'm not imagining it.

Sleep: I'm up about once a night to pee, but sleep has gotten a little better. thank god!
Best Moment of the Week: 12 weeks! Come on that is awesome!! AND ... I finally heard the heart beat today! I've been hearing the fetal blood flow or something, but this morning, with a VERY full bladder, I heard the fast "train" - it was faint and didn't even measure on the doppler for a bpm, but it was there. So excited!

Movement: No.
Symptoms: Tired on and off - but a lot more energy than before. Boobs still a little sore. TMI - lots of gas ;)

Food cravings: Still loving meat. And I'm sooo thirsty. I had iced tea yesterday and I thought I was in heaven.
Gender: ?
What I Miss: Nothing really. Although yesterday I did miss a nice glass if red with dinner - so I drank my iced tea in a wine glass for old time sakes. :)

What I'm Looking Forward To: Seeing the ba-bee on the ultrasound on Monday. Hearing the heart beat loud and clear at that appt. And of course the bump. I can't wait.

Weekly Wisdom: I don't have any right now ... sorry.

Milestones: Week 12 is the biggest milestone! And Thanksgiving was my original date to tell people - so now it's public knowledge. Although I may wait until Monday - after the appt - to tell the FB community. Actually, I may still wait.

Emotions: I tear up at EVERYTHING! Movies, shows, commercials, music. I am also finding that my patience is very short. I'm hoping that will let up soon.
Key West is coming up next week. I can't wait. I can't wait to get away with C - eat good food, lay outside (under an umbrella of course), read books and sleep whenever I want. It will be so great! And let me say that I'm shocked that it is almost Dec!!! Crazy!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

11w6d - Bumps

Since I haven't really had many pregnancy symptoms - and especially now since the ones I did have are gone - it's been difficult to connect to "being or feeling pregnant" So I've become obsessed with how my belly looks. I stare at it, willing and wishing it larger. Looking from all angles, sticking it out as far as it can go and sucking it back it. All in hopes to see if it's slightly different from before. I told C this morning that I feel this is similar to when you lose weight - you don't really see a difference and the people you see everyday don't either, but it's the people you haven't seen in a few weeks that notice. That's how I think this is. I won't notice if my bump is growing - maybe my mom will because I haven't seen her in a few weeks... I don't know.

I haven't gained any weight (thank god b/c I have not been eating all that great lately. All I want is burgers!) but I do notice that my work pants - since they sit higher than my jeans - are getting really tight around the midsection. Sometimes I have to do the hairtie trick. (Loop a hair tie to the slit in the pants and then wrap it around the button to keep them on.) So I decided to bite the bullet and post the photos I've been taking of myself. They really aren't that great - I need to take photos with the same clothes on - but maybe you guys can see a difference. (this isn't the best picture quality either - did this super quick, but you get the point)

It's hard to tell really - I think I def have a little something on the last one, but it was also after I ate lunch and you know the bloating starts then. I want a little something. Something that says "Yup, I'm pregnant too ... not just fat!"

Anyhow, besides obsessing over my stomach, I've been counting down the days until my next appt. 5 days. I'm really anxious about it. Not because it's the u/s that shows whether or not I'm at higher risk for Down's or something, but because I haven't seen the little in almost 4 weeks! that is too long! If only my at home doppler worked - then I would know that the little one is in there. I'm sure he/she is chilling and is just fine, but you know, I like confirmation.

Tomorrow I am 12 weeks. WOW! I probably won't get on to do the update - should have done it today - since it's Thanksgiving! I'm looking forward to all the wonderful FOOD! Oh and time with family! So whomever is celebrating it, Happy Thanksgiving! I know I have a lot to be thankful for this year!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

11 weeks

How Far Along: 11 weeks - wow. 12 weeks is coming up fast!

Size of baby: 1.6 inches - the size of a lovely lime.

Maternity Clothes: No. But around 5 pm, I have to unbutton some of work pants.

Stretch Marks: No. I use baby oil right out of the shower - my skin is so smooth. Plus I smell like a baby now. :)

Sleep: Ugh. I hate complaining at all about this pregnancy, but my sleep has been just awful. Every hour up - plus I'm coughing up a storm from either allergies or a lingering cold.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting to 11 weeks. Nothing really exciting happened this week.

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Still tired, sore bbs, stretching and pulling of the uterus, stuffed up nose, headaches - oh the headaches.

Food cravings: Salads. And meat. I love me some meat.

Gender: ?

What I Miss: Nothing really.

What I'm Looking Forward To: To hearing the heart beat (I have a doppler and by god I will get it to work!!! - although I did hear the placenta. I was told it sounds like wind blowing thru trees and yes it does.) and to start to show. I can't wait for a little belly. (Or big belly!)

Weekly Wisdom: Drink lots of water.

Milestones: Made it through the week without C - he was in New Orleans on business. He gets home tonight. Oh and I finally am listening to the doctor's orders and am weaning myself off the progesterone suppositories. It will be nice when I don't have to do those anymore.

Emotions: I tend to fly a little off the handle - especially at work. But I come down from it pretty fast. And I get the tingling nose thing (you know, the start of a cry) a lot.
I'm counting down the days to 1. the next u/s on the 29th and 2. our trip to Key West two days later. What an exciting week that will be!

I've been really bad about posting and such. I usually do the majority of it at work - heehee - but I've just been so busy I haven't had the time. I'd like to get on here and post about non-baby things. I do get ideas in my head, but they don't last long. (that pregnancy brain thing is no joke) I swear - I'm more interesting than just the pregnant broad you've been reading about. Maybe during the second trimester I'll gain a little bit of my spunk back!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

10 weeks

How Far Along: 10 weeks

Size of baby: 1.25 inches - the size of a prune.

Maternity Clothes: No. But I did unpack the boxes my sister and BFF gave me and washed them. And then put them back into a tuperware box until I can use them. I wanted to be prepared.

Stretch Marks: No.

Sleep: I've been having kind of a crappy time sleeping. I'm tired, but it takes me forever to fall a sleep and when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm up for a bit.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting to 10 weeks! Oh and reading the message C sent to his college friends telling them I am pregnant. It's priceless. I figured I'd share:


The reason why we cannot go to Colorado is that K is pregnant and is due on June 9th. So I don't want to fly to Colorado with a 2 month old baby.

We've been trying for a while (2+ yrs) and with the help of science we have done it. I told K that if she wanted a baby with me of course it would come down to IVF since I'm an expert in cell culture. (though they didn't ask for my help).

They collected 17 eggs, 11 of which fertilized and out of that they selected the 2 best (in terms of cellular division, not in terms of ultimate life success) and put them back in. Only one implanted and that is little baby G, who is obviously a super baby since it went through such a rigorous selection process and then kicked the other possible sibling out of the uterus. I have a picture of the two 5 day old blastocysts (embryos) which is the first baby picture. I can post it later.

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Still tired, sore bbs, stretching and pulling of the uterus, stuffed up nose. (MW said it's normal.)

Food cravings: Salads. Although I've always loved salads, but I do want them more now.

Gender: I have no idea. But since the heart beat was 170 bpm everyone keeps telling me it's a girl. Oh and I did the Chinese Calendar and it says girl too. Now I'm mainly interested to find out if any of these are accurate. :)

What I Miss: Nothing really. But it would be great to not be tired allll the time.

What I'm Looking Forward To: To hearing the heart beat (I have a doppler and by god I will get it to work!!!) and to start to show. I can't wait for a little belly. (Or big belly!)

Weekly Wisdom: You don't want people to know you're pregnant and you go out for "drinks" order a club soda with a lime or lemon, have them put it in a rocks glass and people will think it's vodka/club or something. I haven't done this, but it was always going to be my plan in case the situation ever came up.

Milestones: Graduating from RE last week; Seeing the bean move; And making it to double digit weeks! I am 25% closer to holding my ba-bee.

Emotions: Today I'm happy. But it fluctuates. Yesterday I was kind of depressed and cried the majority of the morning (thanks hormones) about C and our relationship. "What if you don't love me anymore because I'm tired all the time??" I'm not kidding - I actually said that! I'm still nervous a lot and keep my guard up a little just in case ... But I'm overall THRILLED to be pregnant. I can't wait for the next 30 weeks to go by so I can see what my little ba-bee looks like. :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Do I have to share? Little rant.


OK. I know I may get some negative feedback with this one, but as everyone else says “It’s my blog. Deal with it.” LOL It goes without saying that C and I put a lot into attaining this pregnancy – over 2.5 yrs of trying, miscarriages, ectopic, surgeries, treatments, medication, heartache, tears, fights – you get the picture. So excuse my apprehensive to jump up and down when I got word that our first IVF cycle actually worked. I was in a bit of denial. But now, I’m thrilled. I want to scream it from rooftops and can’t wait to actually do that! I finally achieved what I had been dreaming about for so many years and what my friends all had. I am pregnant.

Here are the back stories to my little rant.

• While I was in the middle of doing IVF, I found out that an extended family member was pregnant – via FB. (Nice.) Anyhow, I was shocked for many reasons. First was the shock that most infertiles feel when people they know get pregnant. You’re happy for them, but mostly you’re sad for yourself. Second was the shock of how did this happen? They are not dating anyone, and haven’t dated in years. They have a teenager and are in their late 30s. (I would later find out that she did the deed once with an ex and VOLIA pregnant.)

• Right after I found out that the IVF did in fact work, I was talking to BFF and she mentioned that she spoke with one of our friends. I had also recently spoken with her. Then BFF says “Did she tell you she’s pregnant?” I said, “No. She wouldn’t tell me that. She knows that I was going through treatments.” (Some friends knew we were doing IVF, others knew we were doing something.) I do appreciate that she didn’t tell me when she found out – which was right before I found out. But nonetheless, she’s pregnant. And due 4 days before me. She already has a little boy who is 2.

• About two weeks ago, I was driving with a co-worker I’m really close with to a meeting. He had been on vacation for about two weeks prior to that, so I was excited to tell him the news. I very smoothly say I’m taking time off next year because we will have an addition to the family. He was thrilled for me. And in his next breath says that he too will be taking some time off, as his wife is pregnant and is due 11 days after me. He basically then said that they didn’t think it would happen so soon – which leads me to believe they just started trying.

OK - Here comes the bitterness – of what, a tired, emotional pregnant lady? An infertile? Perhaps.

Is it wrong that I’m kind of pissed that I have to share something I worked so hard towards with people that it came so easy and naturally for? Is it wrong that feel this way? I certainly don’t begrudge them at all for being pregnant. But couldn’t I just have had this experience alone? I mean I went through all the losses and treatments and pain alone – nobody shared those with me. Why is it that now at family functions, I’m lumped into the “Pregnant Ladies” group; With my friends, it’s “We’re so excited for K and so and so’s babies!”; and at work, “The pregnancy epidemic going on in the creative department.” I have always been so open with my IF struggles, but I feel like now that I'm in a "group" all that I went through is forgotten by everyone else and I will never forget that.

I know I really shouldn’t be feeling this way, but …. OK I hate this expression, but I feel like my thunder has been stolen. I don’t know. Is this just a bratty way of thinking? Should I be happy that there are other people feeling the joy of pregnancy the same time I am? Shouldn’t I be glad that I speak to other people about being pregnant? But I just can’t. And maybe I can’t because all I hear from them is “Oh this morning sickness is awful. This is just terrible.” (I would DIE for morning sickness – just to know that everything is going good.) “I hate being pregnant.” (Really? Then why are you pregnant?) “This baby just won’t stop moving.” (God I cannot WAIT to feel that and I hope it never stops.)

Am I being stupid? Am I being just mean? Am I being selfish? I really don't want to feel this way, but it's hard not to. Maybe instead of feeling like they don't fit in with me, the real reason I'm bothered by it is that I just don't fit in with them. I will forever be the one who had to do IVF for her baby. No one in my family, or friends or work can say that. And I guess at the end of the day, the reason I wanted to go this alone, was so I wasn't reminded of how different I am to everyone else.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

9w5d - So many thoughts

I must have written 3 or 4 posts in the last two weeks, but never finished them. One was about my attempt to make it to the Jon Stewart rally in DC, but instead bailed and went to a haunted house. (I finally got my Halloween fix) One was about watching old movies (Teen Witch, Sixteen Candles and Empire Records), quoting the funniest lines and I even searched YouTube for clips to attach. Another one was about Guiliana and Bill and their sad, all too realistic and relate-able story and I wanted to delve a little more on the media/TV's depiction of infertility.

But needless to say, I didn't get to post any of these and when I go back to continue the saved post, I don't have anything else to say about it. My thoughts are often fleeting these days. I can't keep a thought in my head for more than 2 minutes without writing it down to remember. It's like trying to collect fireflies.

So here is what's in my head right now:

I realized I missed both my 8th and 9th week updates. Here you go - nothing has really changed. Still no m/s, still tired, no belly and I'm still nervous as all hell every time I sleep through the night without waking up to pee, every time the progesterone suppository makes a return (TMI-you know what I'm talking about) and I brace myself in case it's a different color than white and every time I start getting crampy.

I had my final RE appt on Nov 3rd (8w6d) It was really an amazing visit. We had a PA doing the final u/s instead of the lightening fast RE, so we actually got to see the little bean for more than 30 seconds. First thing I notice is that everything is bigger. Check. Then we see the heart beating again. Check. We asked her what the BPM was and she said it was in between 160 and 170 bpms. Nice and strong. Check. Then she continues to show us everything else ... arms, feet, heart beating again, the brain forming, the spine, the amniotic sac. Check. Check. Check. And the she gets this excited tone in her and voice and says, "Guys, guys ... it's moving. See?" C and I sat there in awe that our little one inch ba-bee is actually moving - flopping - around. She held it there for a bit so we can watch it. She measured the bean, gave us our pictures, confirmed our due date (June 9th) and said congratulations. Then she gave me orders to wean off the progesterone. I signed a release for my medical records and we bid them a farewell. Phase one: Make a baby with RE ... Check.

I had the first of two OB appts the same day as my last RE appt. C and I rushed over to the OB and went through the motions - weight, BP, etc. Then the OB comes in and reads my chart for about 5 mins in silence (awkward!) He finally looks up and asks me if I have any questions. My first one is "Does this office deliver at so and so hospital?" He smiles and says no, not anymore. Ok. So I look at C and kind of give him the eyes that this made my decision of what OB office to go to easy. I continue with the appt in hopes that I will get ANOTHER u/s experience, even though I just had one 45 mins earlier. (I'm greedy!) We continue with the appt, an exam, bloodwork and yes - another u/s. C is asking privately the whole time "why are you letting them do all this when we aren't using them?" I tell him that I'll just have the records transferred over to the new OB office. No biggie.

Two days later, I have the second OB appt. The protocol with this office is for your first prenatal appt to be with one of the midwives. I guess they are the entry way into the practice. Now I've gone back and forth and whether or not I would actually want to use a midwife, so I welcomed this visit. I have to say C and I both really loved her. She took a lot of time with us, answered all our questions, and kind of went out of her way to make things easy for us. She didn't want to do more bloodwork or a culture since I already had one. Although she didn't do another u/s because I just had one. (only fault) We set up our first trimester screening and next visit for right after Thanksgiving and we were done. Our week of appts was finished. Now I just have to survive another three weeks without seeing my little one. I don't know how I will do it!

I started telling more people about me being pregnant. Now I'm not out of the closet on FB, but some extended family knows and most of our friends know. I did tell work. Some people may think it's too early or whatever, but I'm starting to get a little spacey on my To Do lists, so I wanted to cover my ass and let people know that I'm not getting lazy with work, I'm just pregnant. Everyone was thrilled. Some suspected as they knew I was going through IVF. Some were surprised (I was actually surprised that they were surprised - makes me think they aren't very observant) I feel better that it's out in the open. This way when they walk into my office and my eyes are closed, I don't have to come up with some excuse. I can just say, "Get out, I'm pregnant." :)

I received my medical records from RE in the mail on Friday. I sat down and started to read through them. Most of the information I already knew, but then I got to point of where my pregnancy started to progress. I noticed while on the PIO shots my P4 levels were 22, 28 and 32. Good. Then as soon as they moved me onto the suppositories, my levels dropped to 11 and then the last one was 15. WHAT?!? And they want me to wean off. No way, Jose. So I'm just going to prolong the weaning off process a little longer. That way it will bring me in my 11th week when I start to go every other day and I'll get off them during the 12th week. It will make me feel better. I know - if the RE was concerned, they certainly wouldn't tell me to stop. But I know me. Being on them until the placenta takes over will make me feel better. And in my world right now, keeping my sanity is a close second to keeping the baby.

Monday, October 25, 2010

7w4d - Lazy?

I’m feeling pretty unproductive these days. The combination of being “careful” about what I do and the exhaustion I am feeling about 85% of time is causing me to be a little lax on my everyday life responsibilities. Although C is always saying, “You are putting all your energy into making that baby. It’s Ok.” I don’t feel like it is. I almost feel like it may be a little mind or matter thing and I want to nip it in the bud right now. On work days, I manage to get up, get ready and spend 9 hours away from home being - scratch that - trying to be productive for work. But on the weekends and when I get home at night all I want to do is lay around on the couch. I know I’m not making up feeling tired, but I think if I push through it, I could actually get things done. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in forever (C just ends up getting take out for us); I haven’t done laundry (thank god I have about 50 pairs of undies to get me through); I thank the heavens everyday that we have a housecleaner, otherwise we would be living amongst dirt. I feel like all I do is go to work, come home, eat something and then go to sleep. I didn’t even step a foot outside yesterday. I just alternated my position on the couch to the bed and back to the couch. I actually missed a birthday party for a friend last night because I had a headache and didn’t want to get dressed and socialize. Is that bad? Am I falling into a trap?

Our friends had always teased C and I that we were busiest people they know. Our days were always jammed packed full of meetings, dinners, social engagements, get togethers, charity functions, etc. I liked being on the move – although I’m sure I kept us that busy so I wouldn’t have to think about the lack of a baby in our lives since the majority of everyone else was going home after work to be with their kids. And I am still trying to maintain our "busy" lifestyle, but I'd much rather be home in my jams, watching a movie with my dog and C of course.

But I just can't get moving. I'm sure it's normal, but I feel like I'm failing in my everyday life. Now I've never believe in the whole "wife role" thing (C and I shared the house responsibilities), but I am starting to feel like I'm not pulling my weight. And I feel bad for C because these days when he isn't working, he is renovating our bathroom. I wish I could help, but I just don't have it in me. I need to just get up and do something - I'm sure I would feel better - no? I'm torn between resting - for no other reason than I'm freakin' tired - and making myself get up and do the stuff I'd normally do ...... I guess I should just relish in the fact that there is a reason I am tired and have no energy. Right? In a few weeks, hopefully I'll feel a little more energized and then I will be having this conversation about how I need to relax more.

On a more positive, loving note - C and I were driving to a party on Saturday and I had my eyes closed because I had a major headache (I think this is a new symptom ... a constant headache that doesn't go away.) But when I opened them, I noticed that C was looking at me. I asked him what's up? He then says "I didn't think this could happen, but I love you so much more right now. The fact that you are having our baby just makes me think about you differently." I thought that was so sweet .... and then I had a panic that, god forbid this doesn't stick for the long haul and it turns out I can't carry a baby, is he going to love me less?? He assured me absolutely not. It's just that right now, in this moment I am carrying our baby, so he is feeling that love. I shut my mouth and took that as the best compliment ever.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

7 weeks

How Far Along: Until I'm told otherwise, I'm sticking to 7 weeks today.

Size of baby: As of yesterday, it was 7mm - so a little over .25 in. But I believe this week it will grow to the size of a blueberry - .5 in.

Maternity Clothes: No. But I did notice today, in a "feel-good" outfit, that I can't suck in as much as I use to. I showed C and he smiled and said, "Babe, that's been there for a while." You have to love his honesty. :)

Stretch Marks: No.

Sleep: Sleeping through the night.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the heartbeat!!!!

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Tired, randomly sore bbs, sour stomach feeling when I'm not eating, still feeling cramping - sometimes it feels like AF is coming. I hope that's normal.

Food cravings:

Gender: ? My stepmother asked me last night if I had a preference. I can honestly say I don't. I just want a healthy baby.

What I Miss: Nothing. Although this isn't really something I miss - but I am finding it difficult to get things done at work. I'm too busy writing on my blog, checking out others, reading pregnancy stuff, etc. How will I last for another 7 months!!!

What I'm Looking Forward To: All of it!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't google everything ... it will make you crazy!!!! Oh and my RE said symptoms do come and go. You will not feel them all the time. Good to know!

Milestones: Seeing the heartbeat is the BIGGEST milestone for me. I have NEVER seen that. Oh and
I get to make an appointment with my OB for next week. Then I graduate from RE office on Nov 3rd! Wow!

Emotions: I'm happy. I told my family yesterday about the heart beat and they all were so excited. I am taking a leap of faith and really believing that in 7 months I will have my little one in my arms!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

6w6d - Relief

Last night I was laying in bed, still feeling a little ill from my case of food poisoning or the stomach flu (which C is convinced I had rather than FP.) and I was trying to prepare myself for whatever news I was going to get today. I, of course, had a bad feeling - as I have had before every other appointment, blood draw or phone call. I haven't known anything else. But amongst all the scenarios I have been playing out in my head about receiving bad news, I allowed myself to "daydream" about hearing good news and just doing that allowed me to feel all warm inside, so I decided that I needed to finally close my eyes with a little comfort that I was feeling.

I woke up this morning (back to sleeping straight through the night) and immediately remembered a dream I had. Of course it was about the morning's appointment and I turned to C and said "I dreamed it was 166 bpm" Although I was still EXTREMELY nervous, I walked into the office with a little peace inside of me.

Sitting on the table, naked bottom and all, I am armed with tissues (for either way) and this prayer card I made for myself before I was even approved for IVF. Dr. Y (female RE) comes in and I tell her I'm nervous and she asked if I have been bleeding. I answer no. I am nervous because I have never gotten good news at one of these ultrasounds. I lay back and I immediately see that the sac and the contents inside are definitely bigger. I'm staring at the screen and before I could make out what anything was, C says "I see it!" Dr. Y does confirm that what C sees is in fact a heart beat and it is strong. I finally see it in all its flickering glory. I wish now that I had asked her to stay on it a little bit longer, but I was in such shock that I couldn't even get out any words. I started to cry - both in relief that my heart won't be broken today and for the fact that another heart is beating inside of me. (God, whenever I think about that, it takes my breath away.)

So now, after seeing this miracle, I will no longer be negative. I will be positive and excited. I will let the fact that I have no pregnancy symptoms be a blessing rather than a curse. I will not doubt that I'm pregnant, because I am. My body is now living for two beating hearts.

Here is my little bean at either 6w6d or 7w1d - so I'm just going to round to 7 weeks.
And here is a little clarification on what's what in there.

Monday, October 18, 2010

6w4d - Morning Sickness?

So if you haven't gotten it from my previous posts, I want to feel a little sick, to get that wave of unsteadiness and be aware of the nearest restroom. I know it's strange to WANT to get sick, but all I think about is what my SIL told me years ago "Morning sickness is just a sign of a thriving pregnancy." It's the quintessential symptom of pregnancy. It's the one the movies highlight - not the exhaustion, headaches or sore bbs - it's all about the morning sickness. I do understand that all pregnancies are different and not everyone gets morning sickness, but it doesn't help when a friend of mine (who is due the same day as me) is posting on FB that all she is doing is "throwing up." I can't help but feel a little jealous.

So yesterday afternoon, I started to feel a little nauseous I thought "OK. It's about time!" I had eaten lunch around 1PM and it was close to 6PM, so I was probably due to eat. My girlfriend and her 6 month old son were over so I was waiting to eat until they left. But about a hour later, right before they were getting ready to leave, I started to feel really sick. I grabbed a saltine and tried to eat it, but it was only making it worse. I walked her out to her car and came back in the house. And then the real wave hit me. I went running to the bathroom and got, what one could only call violently sick. I finished my business and walked proudly upstairs to tell C that it has finally happened. I am finally feeling pregnant. I got changed for bed and decided to call it an early evening. I was still feeling a bit nauseous, so I decided to bypass dinner and go to sleep. I was having a terrible sleep, waking up every 20 mins. Then about 2 hours after the first run to the bathroom, I was hitting it up again .... and again .... and again. Straight through the night. Then it hits me - this isn't morning sickness. Without jumping the TMI ledge, I realize that "all" my symptoms are leading to food poisoning. I continued to be sick all this morning and only now - over 24 hours since I ate that "contaminated" sandwich, am I able to sip on ginger ale and soup broth.

Of course, I immediately think about the pregnancy. Does this affect my growing bean? If in fact my bean is still growing. Realizing that this wasn't morning sickness just threw me back into the worries of a non symptom pregnancy (sadly my bbs don't even hurt anymore). I have two more days until I go in to see the heartbeat and I would bet my life's savings that it's not going to be favorable. I just have this terrible feeling that it's going to be a gut wrenching day. I have a feeling that I will be running to a bathroom to be sick, but not with hormone induced sickness, just pain and hurt sickness.

I wish I felt more positive. C keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine. God I wish I could believe him. I wish I could just believe.

Friday, October 15, 2010


Yesterday was mine and C's 4 year anniversary. I can remember that day like it was just last week. It was kind of cool, but dry - the most important thing to a bride when a portion of the wedding is to take place out outside - the leaves were already starting to change. Even though I LOVE summer, fall definitely takes second place. The crispness in the air, the deep colors everywhere, pumpkins, apple cider, Halloween ... Pulling out your sweaters and boots. Ahhh fall.
Anyhow, I wasn't nervous that morning (may had to do with the x.anax and glass of champagne I had at 8 in the morning.), I was just excited. We did the hair thing in the AM and then grab some pizzas to go back to the suite to get ready. I actually ended up doing most of the girls' make-up. Not that I'm a make-up artist, but I am a painter, so at least I know how to use a brush. Ha.

Putting on that dress was wonderful. I remember looking in the mirror and giggling. I felt like I was playing dress up. Even though I was in my late 20's, I still felt like a kid. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamt about her wedding day - I was probably one of the most no-frills brides anywhere - so seeing myself ready to walk down that aisle and become a Mrs. was really a moment for me - it was like, wow is this really happening???

Anyhow, the wedding itself was amazing - we still have friends tell us it was their favorite wedding. (Best compliment ever!) We wanted it to be a huge party and that was exactly how it played out. No tears were shed, just smiles, laughs and lots and lots of drinking. :)

The last two years may have been a struggle for C and I, and a test of our marriage, but I know there is NO ONE that I'd rather had spent those dark days with.

Happy Anniversary to my love, my life ... C.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

6 weeks

How Far Along: 6 weeks, although my u/s photo says 6 weeks two days ago, but I'm going with when my retrieval was.

Size of baby: Small pea. (.25in)

Maternity Clothes: No.

Stretch Marks: No more than the usual. LOL. And I know that they are genetic, so I'm sure I'll end up with them, but I have started using oil and creams to help minimize when they do come.

Sleep: Still waking up every night and staring at the ceiling for about 45mins-1 hour.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing that everything is where it belongs and right on schedule.

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Tired, sore bbs, some little cramping ... that's about it. I may regret saying this, but "Come on morning sickness, I welcome you!"

Food cravings:

Gender: ?

What I Miss: Nothing.

What I'm Looking Forward To: My next ultrasound on Wednesday ... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let there be a strong heartbeat!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't itch your PIO injection sites - it will only make it worse!

Milestones: Seeing on the ultrasound that the little bean is in my uterus and is good ... that is a first!

Emotions: I'm relaxed - not overly happy, but not sad. I think next week is going to be a big week for me. I think seeing a heartbeat will make we realize that there is a little one growing and doing well inside of me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

5w5d - One is NOT the loneliest number

It is the number of babies I have in me right now. I was pretty sure that both of the blasts didn't stick but I know C was really hoping that they did. (so were my BFF and my mom) I did say when Dr. D left the room that I was a tad disappointed that they both weren't there, but that's mainly because that means one of my little ones (MEB or FEB??) didn't make it.

But I couldn't be happier with today's ultrasound. I got to see the big sac, the yolk sac and the fetal pole. And interestingly enough, if you look at the picture, it says my gestational age is 6w - so maybe it's a little ahead of what I thought. It was still too early for a heartbeat, but am going back either Monday or Wednesday next week to see it! I am really praying that it's there and strong!

And they told me I could stop taking the PIO shots and start using progesterone suppositories 2x day. I actually wanted to continue using the shots, but Dr. D said that there was no reason to and considering I'm already showing signs of major irritation, it's better to not continue and risk cellulitis. So I'm trusting that they know what they are doing ... haha. I'm not overly thrilled about using the suppositories (TMI - if you've ever used them, you know why!) But I will of course do it - and with a smile on my face, because I am pregnant!

Monday, October 11, 2010

5w4d - Anxious

So tomorrow is my first ultrasound. 8AM. At least it's first thing in the morning - so I either get the good news and go on with my day in bliss or it's bad news and I'm going to cry all day. Hmmm. I sure am hoping for the former!

I keep googling (I know - I need a Google-intervention!) what an ultrasound at 5w5d looks like. I feel like a crazy person. It's just that the two times I've gotten the "first" ultrasound, it's either been an empty sac or completely absent from my uterus. So I'm anxious about tomorrow morning and I'm praying like crazy that I hear nothing but "Everything looks good."

And here is an interesting, new revelation ... as the one person who kept saying the PIO shots aren't a big deal - I am now eating my words! Huge knots have formed in the area, bruises are now showing, they bleed every time we do the injection ... and NOW, the area itches like crazy and I have red welts!! Wonderful! So every night at 7:30, whereas I use to not care, now I dread getting stuck in the ass.

But I will do anything to keep this baby (or babies) snuggled in tight!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

5 Weeks

I saw a few other bloggers do this and I thought it would be great way to "journal" my progress. I am trying anything to make myself believe that I am actually pregnant and that I should be enjoying this.

How Far Along: A mere 5 weeks 1 day.

Size of baby: Apple seed.

Maternity Clothes: No.

Stretch Marks: No more than the usual. LOL

Sleep: I'm getting tired mid-day. But am starting to suffer from mid-night insomnia. I was up from 3-5AM last night.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting back the third beta levels and them being over 1000!

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Exhausted, sore bbs, blue veins
(although these are def brought on by PIO) and cramps like AF is coming.

Food cravings: None.

Gender: ?

What I Miss: Nothing at all! Well that's not entirely true, I will miss brie cheese. (I love that stuff!!)

What I'm Looking Forward To: My first ultrasound next Tuesday.

Weekly Wisdom: I don't have any. Sorry.

Milestones: Getting pregnant - isn't that a big enough milestone!

Emotions: Nervous - a lot. My temper is a little short, but I don't think that's pregnancy related. I think that's stupid people related.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I'm taking the plunge and changing my post titles from days past transfer to weeks pregnant! My third round of betas came back great!

15dp5dt - 1008

I am so relieved and finally believe that I am actually pregnant and this may take! I did a little excel file comparing all my other pregnancies and their beta levels and I've FAR surpassed the other levels at 20 dpo. (You know - we all get obsessed one point during TTC!)
No more blood tests until my first ultrasound which is actually Tuesday, October 12th! We will then make sure it's not in the tube and snuggled in the right place. And we will find out how many are in there. C is hoping and still thinking it's two. But I really think it's only one. But we will know for sure in less than a week.

I still can't believe this. I actually came home today and walked into C's office to give him a kiss and said "You're pregnant wife is home." WOW. But I still can't help to think that this is all going to come to an end soon. At the ultrasound, where all my other bad news was given, being told that things don't look good. That is all I am expecting happen. I don't think I'll ever completely get over that feeling. I just hope that it will decrease with every "milestone" passed.
First ultrasound, seeing the HB, hearing the HB, growing a bump, feeling it moved (I can't even imagine that!) ... I'm hoping that I don't live the next 8 months in fear and that I can actually enjoy this!

Monday, October 4, 2010

13dp5dt - 360

Am I feeling better about this number than I was about the "50" ... yes. But am I still nervous ... yes!!!

So at 13dp5dt my levels have increased to 360. They are doubling at a rate of 1.4 days, so that's positive. But what makes me nervous is all the blogs, forums and such have ladies with numbers in the 1000's at this stage. I don't want to sound ungrateful that I am actually pregnant, but all of my past experiences with this has not been good, so forgive me for being cynical. I just wish I can fast forward to the heartbeat ultrasound and know that my little bean is thriving!

And I don't have any symptoms other than the ones brought on by PIO. I am actually praying for morning sickness!!! :)

I go back on Wednesday for another draw. And hopefully this will be my last one, since I'm praying it will be over 1000!

Friday, October 1, 2010


Ok. So yesterday was the big day. The BETA day. I was so nervous all day long. The "symptoms" from the HCG shot wore off and other than feeling the sore boobs and exhaustion from the PIO shots, I didn't have any real pregnancy symptoms. So I was kind of expecting the worst.

I took off of work to be home with C while I got the call. So the phone rings and I look at the caller id and see the number. C sits next to me as I answer the phone. The docs words were this, "So Kim, I'm calling with the results from your pregnancy test. Congratulations, it is positive. Stop taking the Estrace and up your PIO shots to 1 1/2ml." Finally she breaks and I said OMG Thanks and asked her what my number was. And then the rug came up from underneath me, "50." Ugh.

Everything I've read, I've heard, I've seen you're beta at 9dp5dt should be at least 100. So I'm not jumping with joy yet. I go back on Monday for the follow up beta. I had originally been told I'd go back on Saturday, so I questioned this and she said Monday would be fine. Now I'm jumping to conclusions since the RE didn't tell me to be cautious or anything, but I am. I've had several miscarriages and the first beta for all was around this number at this timeframe. All but the chemical pregnancy (which was 26, not far off) I have to say that I don't have a good feeling about this. But I will wait until Monday and see what happens.

I wish I had a better feeling about it.

Monday, September 27, 2010

6dp5dt - The Birds and the Bees

The Infertility Doula posted about a great marketing effort the makers of G.onal-F launched. I really think it's a great and humorous way to talk about how IF can effect even the "birds and the bees"

Very cute.

I passed it along to C because I thought he would be reminded of several conversations/situations that these two go through. I can safely say that we have all been there and can relate. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Friday, September 24, 2010

3dp5dt - Waiting

This waiting is killing me. It is 6 more days until I find out if this thing worked. If my life is changed forever (again). If my sanity is restored (somewhat). I wish they could tell you right away! I can't even count on my body telling me if it's expecting or not. Every other time I was able to tell - something was different. But now, all the symptoms, all the tell-tale signs are engineered by the PIO shots and the Estrace. I wake up every night to go the bathroom. My b00bs hurt like nobody's business. And I'm feeling all crampy ... thanks to the hyped up medication I'm on, I will never be able to tell if this is in fact true.

I am trying to keep myself busy. Work has been DREADFUL. I sit in front of a computer all day - access to google and blogs and message boards galore. At least it is the weekend now and I can keep myself occupied. C and I on a whim last weekend bought a whole new living room set (this came after me having a fit that we are never going to move out of our townhouse into an actually house - hormones anyone?) and I'm super excited about it. It comes tomorrow and we've been pawning off all our old furniture onto friends and neighbors. So I type this sitting on the floor in my living room awaiting the newness of a cozy couch. So that at least will keep me busy.

I took off of work on the 30th. I originally thought that I would have the RE office call C with the news while I was at work and he could prepare for me at home with either news. But I decided that it was important that we get the call together and let's be honest - there would be NO way that I would be able to concentrate at work that day. So now - I'm off for four days in case the news isn't favorable. I have enough time to cry, drink and gather myself before I walk back into work on Monday with yet another chip on my shoulder. BUT I am really hoping for (obviously) that we get to enjoy those four days together dreaming and smiling and thanking everything of higher power that our dreams have been answered. It would be nice to know that someone actually was listening.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Meet my babies!

Here are my two grade B blasts that were transferred today. It went very smoothly and the nurses, RE and all were laughing and having a good time. A large majority of that is due to C. He is such a character. We took some photos during the actual transfer to add to our collection of this entire process.

Unfortunately, out of our 11 fertilized embryos, we only had these two - none to freeze. There are three more that they are on the fence about, but embryologist said it doesn't look promising. I have to say I was surprised that we didn't have more and that the grade wasn't higher. C said "You're not in your 20s babe." He is right.

Anyhow, when we looked at the paper with the pictures of the blasts, they were marked as MEB and FEB. I asked her what that meant and before she could answer C says "those are their names!" (Now I know they are something about expanding ... MEB is middle expansing blast. I'm not sure what the F is in FEB.) But that is what we are calling them now.

I go for my beta in 9 days. I am going to be praying everyday, all day.

Dear MEB & FEB, hang on for the long haul and I promise when you come out I will give you all the love in the entire world! Love, Me.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

In a glass dish, 45 mins away

C and I were driving to my Dad's today for a BBQ and I looked at him and said "Our babies are growing in a glass dish, outside my body, 45 mins away from us right." It just really hit me. I'm still memorized by the fact that this medical option is available. My BFF asked me if I thought they would ever be able to conceive and grow a baby to full term outside a womb one day. That is some crazy shit. But I'm sure 40 years ago someone thought that removing eggs from a woman, fertilizing and putting them back was crazy. Something to think about. Hmmmm. An option for those who can't carry their own. Wouldn't that be something.

I started the progesterone shots on Friday. I have to say - not as bad as I thought. I'm vigilant about warming the injection before and my ass before and after and I've been Ok. C is great at doing the injection. No counting, no waiting. I simply drop my draws a bit, bend over and he is at it. Good man.

Tuesday is the day. I can't wait!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Half way through

Ok. I'm officially half way through this process. I went in yesterday for my retrieval. I had caught a cold on Tuesday, so to be proactive they gave me V.istaril to help clear up the congestion. I didn't have a great night sleep, so I was up at 5:30 am waiting around until we had to leave at 8:30. And of course since I couldn't drink anything that was ALL I wanted to do. I wanted water so bad I brushed my teeth twice.

When I got there I got changed into a gown and my cozy socks. I think there were three other women there as well. I have to say all the nurses were REALLY great. They were all concerned about my cold and eventually spoke with the anesthesiologist about getting me something to clear me up. And since I was REALLY crampy and uncomfortable, they mixed together a shot of pain killer and some kind of cough/cold med. Then got my IV, some fluids and I was off into the OR. I walked myself in and sat on the table. I was starting to feel very tired, but for some reason kept fighting to keep my eyes open. Like I wanted to stay awake as long as possible. Then the next thing I remember, they were sitting me up on table and saying it was over.

I got back to the pre-op/recovery area. I was there for about 2 hours. I think I slept on and off that whole time. I was surprised that I was in a little bit of pain. I thought it would have actually gone away after the extraction. I was waiting for Dr. D to come back and tell me the news of actually how many they were able to get. Ya ready?


Yup, 17 little eggies. All the nurses said wonderful and great number. C and I were pleased nonetheless. So I get changed, get packed up and headed home. We got home around 1 Pm and I slept until 5. When I woke up I had a fever, so I got a little nervous and called the office. They told me to watch it, but were pretty certain that it came from the cold not the procedure. So that was good.
Then I got the call today from the embryologist .....

11 fertilized

I am all set for a 5 day transfer on Tuesday. And my beta is scheduled for Thursday, 9/30. I can't believe just how fast this is all happening. I'm keeping good, positive thoughts that this is it! Every now and again the terrifying thought of "this isn't 100% guaranteed" pops in and I think about that for a moment, but I am really REALLY trying to be positive. I've lived the last 24+ months in perpetual disappointment. I think I deserve a break from that!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Trigger Finger

Just got back from RE and we are definitely on for Thursday. My RE asked how my stomach was feeling and I said "full!" He started the ultrasound and said "you sure are."
I am triggering tonight. This is really happening. I'm excited to get this moving along.

Oh and Nurse S said it's fine if I'm sick. They will give me something tomorrow to take to clear up the congestion for the retrieval on Thursday.

Ovary, tears, victory and fears

I went to the RE yesterday and she said "You are responding beautifully." Those were the greatest words I've heard this whole cycle. It was nice to get a little reassurance since after every ultrasound they would just tell me to continue my dose. So my retrieval is looking like thursday. I go back in today for hopefully my last visit before the big day. My BFF and C keep referring to it as "the harvesting" - I imagine myself as a wheat field and I need to be plucked of my all my goods for the winter.
So far my right ovary is kicking my left one's ass. I kind of knew that would happen, since my left is a lazy producer (hence reason two for IVF) I think there are about 7-8 on the right growing great. The left has about 4-5 and is dragging behind a bit. I'm trying not to get concerned about the numbers. Quality over quantity is what they said. Since my right ovary is doing great, it is the most painful of the sides. It wakes me up if I move a certain way. I keep saying, just two more days! I am really hoping that I'm not bordering OHSS.

So yesterday I went into work for about two hours and decided if I want to keep my job, I need to leave immediately. I was in rare form. I hated everyone. I couldn't even have a civilized conversation regarding my new new hair cut. I packed up my stuff and said I was working from home ... and good thing I did. I cried for a HOUR straight yesterday. It was so ridiculous. I know there is no reason and I think that is the worst part. Just knowing that you have NO CONTROL over your emotions is crazy. I'll be looking forward to a little stability over the next week or two ... then when I get pregnant I know I'll be back on the crying horse, but at least I'll be pregnant!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! I did it! All by myself!!! What you ask? I finally gave myself my injections last night. However it wasn't out of pure willingness. It was out of necessity. C had a work dinner. He has been really great about staying close to home this whole time, but this was something he couldn't get out of. So I called my BFF to come over and do it. But she called me later and told me that her littlest one is super sick. She said she will still come over, but I realized if I were to pull a mom away from her sick daughter I would be bringing some selfish karma my way and I'm trying to look like a stand up "mom-to-be" to all the gods, angels, karma-makers, etc taking count. So I started to prepare the injections and in the middle of this, we had a crazy storm roll through. It felt very fitting. All I needed was the lights to go out and to have to do this by candlelight. I stood there holding my fat and the needle pointed at myself and just did it. And now I do feel like a big baby, because it wasn't bad. I went really slow so the meds wouldn't burn too bad, but I made it through. Donna Summer would be proud of me. I survived!

As I mentioned I'm having a shitty sleep due to the massive baby making ovary on the right side, so I woke up around 4 this morning. And as soon as I did - I felt it! A SORE THROAT! Oh god. Then it hits me - my BFF's entire family had been sick and of course we went to a bday party on Sunday with them. In my sleeply stupor, I panicked and feared "Oh god they aren't going to do the ER on Thursday. This cycle is done!" But once I really woke up, I jumped on trusty ole' Google and found out that they will still go ahead with it. But I'm not going to take any chances. I chewing on Airborne as I write. I will not let this turn into a big sick fest. Hell if I can stick myself - twice - with a needle, I can handle being sick. See I will survive. :)

Two days. Just two days until my little eggs meet a familiar friend in C's sperm. I hope there isn't much catching up to do and they just get busy!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A picture says a thousand ...

Ahhh. A wonderful Sunday evening ...

Turns into this!

Right after my shots.
Left side (your right) see the brusie forming and the nice ole' welt from the C.etrotide!!

Oh the joys of injections! Next up ....

I can't believe this is what's going to be stuck into me soon! EEK!