OK. I know I may get some negative feedback with this one, but as everyone else says “It’s my blog. Deal with it.” LOL It goes without saying that C and I put a lot into attaining this pregnancy – over 2.5 yrs of trying, miscarriages, ectopic, surgeries, treatments, medication, heartache, tears, fights – you get the picture. So excuse my apprehensive to jump up and down when I got word that our first IVF cycle actually worked. I was in a bit of denial. But now, I’m thrilled. I want to scream it from rooftops and can’t wait to actually do that! I finally achieved what I had been dreaming about for so many years and what my friends all had. I am pregnant.
Here are the back stories to my little rant.
• While I was in the middle of doing IVF, I found out that an extended family member was pregnant – via FB. (Nice.) Anyhow, I was shocked for many reasons. First was the shock that most infertiles feel when people they know get pregnant. You’re happy for them, but mostly you’re sad for yourself. Second was the shock of how did this happen? They are not dating anyone, and haven’t dated in years. They have a teenager and are in their late 30s. (I would later find out that she did the deed once with an ex and VOLIA pregnant.)
• Right after I found out that the IVF did in fact work, I was talking to BFF and she mentioned that she spoke with one of our friends. I had also recently spoken with her. Then BFF says “Did she tell you she’s pregnant?” I said, “No. She wouldn’t tell me that. She knows that I was going through treatments.” (Some friends knew we were doing IVF, others knew we were doing something.) I do appreciate that she didn’t tell me when she found out – which was right before I found out. But nonetheless, she’s pregnant. And due 4 days before me. She already has a little boy who is 2.
• About two weeks ago, I was driving with a co-worker I’m really close with to a meeting. He had been on vacation for about two weeks prior to that, so I was excited to tell him the news. I very smoothly say I’m taking time off next year because we will have an addition to the family. He was thrilled for me. And in his next breath says that he too will be taking some time off, as his wife is pregnant and is due 11 days after me. He basically then said that they didn’t think it would happen so soon – which leads me to believe they just started trying.
OK - Here comes the bitterness – of what, a tired, emotional pregnant lady? An infertile? Perhaps.
Is it wrong that I’m kind of pissed that I have to share something I worked so hard towards with people that it came so easy and naturally for? Is it wrong that feel this way? I certainly don’t begrudge them at all for being pregnant. But couldn’t I just have had this experience alone? I mean I went through all the losses and treatments and pain alone – nobody shared those with me. Why is it that now at family functions, I’m lumped into the “Pregnant Ladies” group; With my friends, it’s “We’re so excited for K and so and so’s babies!”; and at work, “The pregnancy epidemic going on in the creative department.” I have always been so open with my IF struggles, but I feel like now that I'm in a "group" all that I went through is forgotten by everyone else and I will never forget that.
I know I really shouldn’t be feeling this way, but …. OK I hate this expression, but I feel like my thunder has been stolen. I don’t know. Is this just a bratty way of thinking? Should I be happy that there are other people feeling the joy of pregnancy the same time I am? Shouldn’t I be glad that I speak to other people about being pregnant? But I just can’t. And maybe I can’t because all I hear from them is “Oh this morning sickness is awful. This is just terrible.” (I would DIE for morning sickness – just to know that everything is going good.) “I hate being pregnant.” (Really? Then why are you pregnant?) “This baby just won’t stop moving.” (God I cannot WAIT to feel that and I hope it never stops.)
Am I being stupid? Am I being just mean? Am I being selfish? I really don't want to feel this way, but it's hard not to. Maybe instead of feeling like they don't fit in with me, the real reason I'm bothered by it is that I just don't fit in with them. I will forever be the one who had to do IVF for her baby. No one in my family, or friends or work can say that. And I guess at the end of the day, the reason I wanted to go this alone, was so I wasn't reminded of how different I am to everyone else.