Saturday, May 22, 2010

Looking for the will

Today I get to go to a friend's baby shower.

Now although I'm never thrilled to go to a baby shower - sitting around for hours watching someone ELSE opening gifts ...without drinks ... just isn't my idea of a good time (this goes for bridal showers too) - this one is just all that more painful. Having just lost another opportunity of joining the motherhood earlier this week, I'm not sure that this is a smart idea. Even though I haven't told my friend about this loss, she is aware of our struggle for a baby. She has been super great about it which is the number one reason I am attending. But still I'm sitting here, writing this, instead of getting ready for the shower that starts in an hour and a half and is at least an hour away. I'm looking for the willpower to get off the couch, put on my "Sunday's best" and head out the door to the 4 hour gift opening fest.

Usually I don't mind going especially when I know other people that are going to be there - but since this is a friendship made from marrying in (C and her husband are great friends) I'm not sure that I will even know many people there and if I do, none of them will understand why I can't "ohh" and "ahh" about the little red firetruck pjs she will be holding up.

I pray to the dear lord that there will be alcohol there! Maybe I should bring my little flask - but is that too much?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Onward and Upward

So I let myself be upset this weekend. I let myself cry and scream at anyone who would listen. I laid around and felt sorry for myself. I took off of work Monday because I just couldn't fake the smile. I know I was pregnant for like a second so technically I shouldn't be "grieving" a loss, but it is a loss. It's a loss of hope. It's a loss of that wonderful disbelief feeling that only a BFP gives you after wanting it sooo badly.

Anyhow, so now I'm moving on. Moving back on really. I've been moving on for two years ... you'd think I'd be somewhere really exciting by now. Somewhere like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory or Fiji! (I'd be equally excited about both)

My biggest concern now is what will this mean for us (insurance wise) when we move forward with IVF in the summer. I was all good with the criteria - unilateral tubal factor (got it) with no conception for 12 months (had it) So now does this mean that we aren't going to be able to move straight on to IVF? I don't know. Yes, I am aware that I did become pregnant naturally for all of those asking why I would be moving onto an aggressive treatment. I knew I wasn't 100% infertile. Dr. D (our RE) said my chances are as follows: 4% to get pregnant naturally on our own; 9-11% to get pregnant doing IUI with injectables; 54-59% to get pregnant doing IVF. So really it's all about the numbers ... plus I'm not so sure that I can go another 18 months of all of this "trying" for 4%.

Anyhow, I keep telling myself to not think about it until we have the insurance info in hand and Dr. D is saying to my face, it's not going to happen. Until then, I'm staying out of my head.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


HCG drops dramatically. it's over. i know it was only a few days, but i'm completely bummed. i was really hoping that this was it and i would finally get my "happy ending" instead i just got an ending.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A numbers game

Well i received the call back from the RE yesterday regarding my hcg/P4 levels and I wish I had better news:

HCG - 26. I don't know when I Od, however the last time C and I were intimate was April 25 and then he left for a 2 week business trip. So I would imagine I was somewhere between 12 -14dpo. So basically it's low. I know, I know - it's the second number that counts.

P4 - 7.5. VERY low, as it was in my two previous pregnancies. Luckily I was armed with samples of the progesterone suppositories and was instructed to use them once a day.

I go back tomorrow for the repeat draw. I want to be positive. I want to be hopeful. But I'm thinking this just isn't in the cards for me now. I keep trying to convince myself that I have a good feeling about it - in fact that's what I keep telling C and my BFF and my mom (the only three people, other than you reading, the girls on BZ, and RE that know I'm preg) that I have a good feeling and that this is it. i don't want to drag them down with me. Because the truth is I don't have a feeling about it. I don't have a bad feeling, like I did last time, and I don't have a good feeling like the first time.

I don't know what to think and I HATE being in limbo.
Someone give me some advice on how NOT to think about this all the time???

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Not counting ...

You know that old saying, "don't count your chickens until they hatch." Well that is what I am doing. Even though I got a wonderful surprise yesterday (and then again this morning - I don't mess around, I wanted to see it come up again!) I'm trying not to get all secure in this situation. It hasn't fared well for me in the past. So this is my in-between post. I'm not quite sure if this is the real deal or not.
I went to the RE today and got beta/Prog draws and I'm waiting to hear back. But they already put a game plan into place. I'm stocked with progesterone suppositories in case my P levels come back low. I go back in on Thursday for another draw and then again on Monday. And if they are increasing, we will do the first "viability" u/s on May 21st to make sure it's in the uterus and not the tube since my last one ended up ectopic.
I think after that then I'll be able to move onto to be happy and changing the title of my blog to "Something Rising in the Oven." Man, I didn't think this would be happening so soon!

Monday, May 10, 2010


After 2yrs + trying, 17 months since the last m/c, I finally got to see TWO LINES! I can't believe it at all! Here we were, waiting for IVF to start in July and magically, I got BFP!

I'm in a state of shock really. I can't even wrap my head around it. Of course I'm nervous and trying not to get my hopes up, but this ordeal has been so disappointing EVERY SINGLE MONTH that I want to be happy and feel good about this!

C was so happy and shocked too.

Oh and tell me how ironic this is - I got hired today! So much for the insurance for IVF now - I hope!

I'll write again soon when I've come down from cloud 9 and I'm able to really digest that this is all happening again.


Monday, May 3, 2010

Introduction to S

Here is the introduction to the light of my life and my own personal savior from babyless hell ... S.

How could you not love this face!

He is 5 1.2 yrs old, but a perpetual puppy. He is such a little lover and is a great comfort during the difficult times.

Even though he loves C more (C walks him every AM) he comes to me when he is scared or hurt - just like a real mommy!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Number 1

I know the main purpose of this blog was to document our struggles with IF, however as I read back to the last two posts, I realized that I'm a big debbie downer. I want to be optimistic and have a good outlook on things and the last couple of posts haven't really given anyone a chance to "get to know" the real me - only the neurotic baby wishing complainer that I've become. :)

So I'm going to do a weekly post with a new fact about me.

Number 1
I am a graphic designer, a painter, a photographer, a fashion designer ... basically I love art. Ok - let me break down that statement.
a. I have been a graphic designer for over 8 yrs and am currently working freelance. I love it - but yes - it is work. Some of my favorites things to do is photo manipulation. I can take anyone out of an image, put someone in, move a face from one photo to another - anything you can think of. I tell all my friends - hey watch yourself, I can easily make it like you never existed. haha.
b. I paint - recently I had my first showing for the nonprofit (more on this next week) a few weeks ago and sold two paintings! Yay! I work in acrylics, however was trained in oil. But oil takes forever to dry. I like the way I can change the texture of acyclic and add different elements within.
c. I am a photographer - this is a loose statement. I took several classes in college years ago and now I'm enrolled in a class to refresh my memory. Not to pat myself on the back, but I'm not too shabby. C bought me a digital SLR in 2007 and I have a ton of lenses. I love taking photos of my friends' kids and of course S my puppy baby.
d. And lastly, a fashion designer. Ok I'm not really a fashion designer, but I recently got a sewing machine and have been making new clothes out of old clothes and I love it. Though I'm not sure any of them are wearable just yet. :) We'll see if I can ever do something with this ....

And of course I can use all of these things for the baby (I have to go to the baby place - this is a TTC blog) Make the baby announcements, do a painting for the nursery, take TONS and TONs of photos and maybe by the time a baby comes around, I will be able to make clothes for the little one... A girl can only dream.