Monday, September 27, 2010

6dp5dt - The Birds and the Bees

The Infertility Doula posted about a great marketing effort the makers of G.onal-F launched. I really think it's a great and humorous way to talk about how IF can effect even the "birds and the bees"

Very cute.

I passed it along to C because I thought he would be reminded of several conversations/situations that these two go through. I can safely say that we have all been there and can relate. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Friday, September 24, 2010

3dp5dt - Waiting

This waiting is killing me. It is 6 more days until I find out if this thing worked. If my life is changed forever (again). If my sanity is restored (somewhat). I wish they could tell you right away! I can't even count on my body telling me if it's expecting or not. Every other time I was able to tell - something was different. But now, all the symptoms, all the tell-tale signs are engineered by the PIO shots and the Estrace. I wake up every night to go the bathroom. My b00bs hurt like nobody's business. And I'm feeling all crampy ... thanks to the hyped up medication I'm on, I will never be able to tell if this is in fact true.

I am trying to keep myself busy. Work has been DREADFUL. I sit in front of a computer all day - access to google and blogs and message boards galore. At least it is the weekend now and I can keep myself occupied. C and I on a whim last weekend bought a whole new living room set (this came after me having a fit that we are never going to move out of our townhouse into an actually house - hormones anyone?) and I'm super excited about it. It comes tomorrow and we've been pawning off all our old furniture onto friends and neighbors. So I type this sitting on the floor in my living room awaiting the newness of a cozy couch. So that at least will keep me busy.

I took off of work on the 30th. I originally thought that I would have the RE office call C with the news while I was at work and he could prepare for me at home with either news. But I decided that it was important that we get the call together and let's be honest - there would be NO way that I would be able to concentrate at work that day. So now - I'm off for four days in case the news isn't favorable. I have enough time to cry, drink and gather myself before I walk back into work on Monday with yet another chip on my shoulder. BUT I am really hoping for (obviously) that we get to enjoy those four days together dreaming and smiling and thanking everything of higher power that our dreams have been answered. It would be nice to know that someone actually was listening.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Meet my babies!

Here are my two grade B blasts that were transferred today. It went very smoothly and the nurses, RE and all were laughing and having a good time. A large majority of that is due to C. He is such a character. We took some photos during the actual transfer to add to our collection of this entire process.

Unfortunately, out of our 11 fertilized embryos, we only had these two - none to freeze. There are three more that they are on the fence about, but embryologist said it doesn't look promising. I have to say I was surprised that we didn't have more and that the grade wasn't higher. C said "You're not in your 20s babe." He is right.

Anyhow, when we looked at the paper with the pictures of the blasts, they were marked as MEB and FEB. I asked her what that meant and before she could answer C says "those are their names!" (Now I know they are something about expanding ... MEB is middle expansing blast. I'm not sure what the F is in FEB.) But that is what we are calling them now.

I go for my beta in 9 days. I am going to be praying everyday, all day.

Dear MEB & FEB, hang on for the long haul and I promise when you come out I will give you all the love in the entire world! Love, Me.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

In a glass dish, 45 mins away

C and I were driving to my Dad's today for a BBQ and I looked at him and said "Our babies are growing in a glass dish, outside my body, 45 mins away from us right." It just really hit me. I'm still memorized by the fact that this medical option is available. My BFF asked me if I thought they would ever be able to conceive and grow a baby to full term outside a womb one day. That is some crazy shit. But I'm sure 40 years ago someone thought that removing eggs from a woman, fertilizing and putting them back was crazy. Something to think about. Hmmmm. An option for those who can't carry their own. Wouldn't that be something.

I started the progesterone shots on Friday. I have to say - not as bad as I thought. I'm vigilant about warming the injection before and my ass before and after and I've been Ok. C is great at doing the injection. No counting, no waiting. I simply drop my draws a bit, bend over and he is at it. Good man.

Tuesday is the day. I can't wait!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Half way through

Ok. I'm officially half way through this process. I went in yesterday for my retrieval. I had caught a cold on Tuesday, so to be proactive they gave me V.istaril to help clear up the congestion. I didn't have a great night sleep, so I was up at 5:30 am waiting around until we had to leave at 8:30. And of course since I couldn't drink anything that was ALL I wanted to do. I wanted water so bad I brushed my teeth twice.

When I got there I got changed into a gown and my cozy socks. I think there were three other women there as well. I have to say all the nurses were REALLY great. They were all concerned about my cold and eventually spoke with the anesthesiologist about getting me something to clear me up. And since I was REALLY crampy and uncomfortable, they mixed together a shot of pain killer and some kind of cough/cold med. Then got my IV, some fluids and I was off into the OR. I walked myself in and sat on the table. I was starting to feel very tired, but for some reason kept fighting to keep my eyes open. Like I wanted to stay awake as long as possible. Then the next thing I remember, they were sitting me up on table and saying it was over.

I got back to the pre-op/recovery area. I was there for about 2 hours. I think I slept on and off that whole time. I was surprised that I was in a little bit of pain. I thought it would have actually gone away after the extraction. I was waiting for Dr. D to come back and tell me the news of actually how many they were able to get. Ya ready?


Yup, 17 little eggies. All the nurses said wonderful and great number. C and I were pleased nonetheless. So I get changed, get packed up and headed home. We got home around 1 Pm and I slept until 5. When I woke up I had a fever, so I got a little nervous and called the office. They told me to watch it, but were pretty certain that it came from the cold not the procedure. So that was good.
Then I got the call today from the embryologist .....

11 fertilized

I am all set for a 5 day transfer on Tuesday. And my beta is scheduled for Thursday, 9/30. I can't believe just how fast this is all happening. I'm keeping good, positive thoughts that this is it! Every now and again the terrifying thought of "this isn't 100% guaranteed" pops in and I think about that for a moment, but I am really REALLY trying to be positive. I've lived the last 24+ months in perpetual disappointment. I think I deserve a break from that!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Trigger Finger

Just got back from RE and we are definitely on for Thursday. My RE asked how my stomach was feeling and I said "full!" He started the ultrasound and said "you sure are."
I am triggering tonight. This is really happening. I'm excited to get this moving along.

Oh and Nurse S said it's fine if I'm sick. They will give me something tomorrow to take to clear up the congestion for the retrieval on Thursday.

Ovary, tears, victory and fears

I went to the RE yesterday and she said "You are responding beautifully." Those were the greatest words I've heard this whole cycle. It was nice to get a little reassurance since after every ultrasound they would just tell me to continue my dose. So my retrieval is looking like thursday. I go back in today for hopefully my last visit before the big day. My BFF and C keep referring to it as "the harvesting" - I imagine myself as a wheat field and I need to be plucked of my all my goods for the winter.
So far my right ovary is kicking my left one's ass. I kind of knew that would happen, since my left is a lazy producer (hence reason two for IVF) I think there are about 7-8 on the right growing great. The left has about 4-5 and is dragging behind a bit. I'm trying not to get concerned about the numbers. Quality over quantity is what they said. Since my right ovary is doing great, it is the most painful of the sides. It wakes me up if I move a certain way. I keep saying, just two more days! I am really hoping that I'm not bordering OHSS.

So yesterday I went into work for about two hours and decided if I want to keep my job, I need to leave immediately. I was in rare form. I hated everyone. I couldn't even have a civilized conversation regarding my new new hair cut. I packed up my stuff and said I was working from home ... and good thing I did. I cried for a HOUR straight yesterday. It was so ridiculous. I know there is no reason and I think that is the worst part. Just knowing that you have NO CONTROL over your emotions is crazy. I'll be looking forward to a little stability over the next week or two ... then when I get pregnant I know I'll be back on the crying horse, but at least I'll be pregnant!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! I did it! All by myself!!! What you ask? I finally gave myself my injections last night. However it wasn't out of pure willingness. It was out of necessity. C had a work dinner. He has been really great about staying close to home this whole time, but this was something he couldn't get out of. So I called my BFF to come over and do it. But she called me later and told me that her littlest one is super sick. She said she will still come over, but I realized if I were to pull a mom away from her sick daughter I would be bringing some selfish karma my way and I'm trying to look like a stand up "mom-to-be" to all the gods, angels, karma-makers, etc taking count. So I started to prepare the injections and in the middle of this, we had a crazy storm roll through. It felt very fitting. All I needed was the lights to go out and to have to do this by candlelight. I stood there holding my fat and the needle pointed at myself and just did it. And now I do feel like a big baby, because it wasn't bad. I went really slow so the meds wouldn't burn too bad, but I made it through. Donna Summer would be proud of me. I survived!

As I mentioned I'm having a shitty sleep due to the massive baby making ovary on the right side, so I woke up around 4 this morning. And as soon as I did - I felt it! A SORE THROAT! Oh god. Then it hits me - my BFF's entire family had been sick and of course we went to a bday party on Sunday with them. In my sleeply stupor, I panicked and feared "Oh god they aren't going to do the ER on Thursday. This cycle is done!" But once I really woke up, I jumped on trusty ole' Google and found out that they will still go ahead with it. But I'm not going to take any chances. I chewing on Airborne as I write. I will not let this turn into a big sick fest. Hell if I can stick myself - twice - with a needle, I can handle being sick. See I will survive. :)

Two days. Just two days until my little eggs meet a familiar friend in C's sperm. I hope there isn't much catching up to do and they just get busy!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A picture says a thousand ...

Ahhh. A wonderful Sunday evening ...

Turns into this!

Right after my shots.
Left side (your right) see the brusie forming and the nice ole' welt from the C.etrotide!!

Oh the joys of injections! Next up ....

I can't believe this is what's going to be stuck into me soon! EEK!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

It's all about the count.

I went for bloodwork on Tuesday for my E2 levels and the RE called back and said that the levels are increasing (she didn't give me the number) but they want to "stall me a bit." So they decreased my G.onal-f dose from 225ml to 150ml. I, of course, panicked a bit, but after much googling (google is the devil) I saw that since it's my first - and god willing my ONLY - IVF that there is a lot of fine-tuning that needs to be done.

My injections have been going OK. I'm not going to lie, the meds burn going in. But it is definitely bearable. My BFF came over last night to "give" me my injection. She said "this is the one chance I'm going to be able to stick a sharp object in you with you fighting me." Um - was she planning on stabbing me one day? haha. Tonight I am going to try yet again to give these things to myself. God I never thought I'd be such a baby about it!

I went for my first ultrasound this morning since starting the stims. And I guess so far, so good. I don't have any real feedback since the tech did the scan and I'll hear from the RE this afternoon. But they do make it interactive - I had to write down the numbers for her. So ... my lining was 5.1 and she didn't do a full count, but she showed me at least 6 follicles (ranging from 9-10mm) on the right and 5 (same size) on the left. She said there were plenty more, but since they were all the same size, she didn't have to count them. So I left feeling like the injections are doing their job. And also doing their job in the ways of making me emotionally fragile. The cramping and headaches are a distant second to the crying spells, unnecessary arguments with an vendor and instantly disliking people - and letting them know it. I'll be surprised if I don't have ill-feelings sent my way by the end of this. Ahhh - who cares. I'll hopefully have my baby and then everyone else can just fuck off.

Oh how I love these drugs!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Shoe's on the other foot

Last night after I attempted to give myself the injection and then had to have C do it again, (I swear I will give it to myself before this is over!) C let me stick him!
As I standing there holding my belly and aiming the needle at myself, C was saying "Just do it!" I finally said I couldn't just yet and that he needed to do it. Afterward, he gave this look like I was a big baby. So I said, "OK - here is a needle, stick yourself!" He immediately got a grin on and said "No." See the thought of jabbing a needle into your being isn't as easy as you think. So then I said, "Can I do it to you?" After a second or two of thought, he says yes. So I just stuck him and pulled it out. He smiled and said "good job." Then after a minute he goes to me "That actually hurt a little. Ahhhh, poor baby! Do you want me to get you ice cream or something?" Haha. I'm actually glad that he got to feel a little of what this is like and can relate now. Although he didn't get the burn from the M.enopur!!!

Got blood work this morning to see how I'm progressing.

I can't believe it's about 1 week until the retrieval!!!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Injection Rejection

Yesterday, C's college friend M and her DH came by our place for brunch and drugs. M is starting to do an IUI cycle and both her and her husband are freelancers so of course they don't have great insurance - they pay for it themselves - and since their state doesn't have a mandate, there is basically no IF coverage available to them. So since I get a kick-ass discount through both my insurance and the benefit of working in a hospital, I gave her three boxes of my .02 cents G.onal-F. It obviously thrilled them, but made me feel really great that I could help out a fellow IFer. Before we got on this insurance plan, we were paying everything out of pocket, so I know how that feels.

So since yesterday was my first day with injections, I prepared the G.onalF while M was here so she could see how it works. (she is using the pen right now, so didn't know how to mix it) It was fairly easy to put the water in the powder, swirl it around and voila, drugs. They thought it was easy enough and after awhile, they headed out, with drugs in hand.

Yesterday after they left, I was in a weird mood. AF showed - as expected - but I felt kind of bummed. I'm not sure if it was some form of PMS or if I got to really thinking about what we are doing. I spent the afternoon reading a book outside, trying to keep my mind off of what we were going to start that evening.

Well 7:30 rolls around and we just started to watch a movie. I realized that the time could get away from us, so we paused it and moved into the kitchen where I keep my stash. Since the G.onalF was already mixed, I thought "hey, half way done." I pulled out my dose, 225 and added it to the M.enopur vial. Simple. I get out a new syringe and pull 1/2cc of the saline to put into the vial. Easy. And then it goes fuzzy. C is videotaping this - to get all the memories down - and telling me to switch the needle to the injection needle to pull out the meds. I don't remember Nurse S telling us to do that, but again, I may have been overwhelmed with the process during our orientation so maybe I wasn't paying so close attention. I mean C was writing EVERYTHING down - or so I thought. Anyhow, I switch to a 27g and pull out all the contents of the vial, except I can't get it all out. So I puncture again with the 27g and try to get it. Finally after a little panic, I said that I thought it would be fine. I asked C to do the honors, since I'm still not 100% comfortable with stabbing myself with a sharp object. I start to get a little nervous and giggly. Then he goes for it - EXCEPT it doesn't go in my belly. It bounces off of it. And it hurt. I look at him and it was like a lightbulb went off in his head ... "Oh, Nurse S said that the needle dulls the first time you use it. I guess you aren't suppose to use the injection needle when pulling out the meds." Wonderful. Thanks!

After that little mishap, we got a new 27g and he gave the injection. It burned a little going in, but all in all, it was fine. However, now I have one good puncture mark and another bruised(!) area where my body rejected the needle. I think tonight will go a lot better!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

D Day is here

Well it's Sept 5 and it's the beginning of the end. Injections start tonight for me, antibiotics start today for C. I'm nervous, but ready to get this started. I'm not overly concerned about the pain or the needles themselves, but more concerned about the effects of the meds. My job is pretty stressful and usually - other than an occasionally curse-fest - I can handle all that comes with it. But now I'm worried that I'm going to either punch someone or just breakdown in tears. I'm not a huge crier (although the last two+ years would beg to differ.) and it's going to be odd to be all weepy. We shall see if I still have a job in two weeks!

Injection #1 ... here I come.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Friend's Pain

I want to ask the blog world to keep my dear friend, M in their thoughts. She just found out that her sweet little bean isn't going to make it. She is has been through so much and makes me think about the 'hows' and 'whys' things happen. It is so fucking unfair.
She is always my (and everyone else she comes in connect with's) biggest cheerleader and I hate that she keeps hitting these walls. She seriously doesn't deserve this. My heart breaks for her.

There is no footprint too small to leave an imprint on this world.