Monday, November 29, 2010

12w4d - Photo Time

I had my first trimester screening today. All is good. Basically there is a 1 in 6000 chance that the baby has Down's and an 1 in 10,000 chance of some other chromosomal defect. So they said it's negative. I did get to see the baby for an extended period of time today - so that was awesome. We started the u/s and the baby was sleeping. The tech then started poking and pushing on my belly and making me shake around. But that baby was out cold. Then after about10 mins, she left the room and said she will be back in a few minutes. I asked her is there anything I could do and she said "Get your baby to wake up." LOL. So C said that maybe I had the baby up all night coughing (still stuffy and coughing) so I decided to start coughing, thinking maybe it will do the trick. And sure enough, when the tech came back, the baby was moving around like crazy. Flinging its arms and legs around and jumping up and down. It was so awesome. I kept giggling and the tech smiled and said "Stop laughing. I have to measure it." It was a great day.

Then I had my second OB appt. Everything is great. Blood pressure is awesome. I haven't gained any weight - well maybe one pound. She said "You're a healthy girl. Great job." I like hearing this even though I'm a little overweight. :)

I also took the plunge and posted on FB. It was nice to get all the congrats and well wishes. But I did get three comments that pissed me off. 1. "Motherhood is amazing." 2. "I knew C could get the job done." 3. "See. Good things do come to those who wait." Ok. I'm sure you all know why each of these piss me off. But in case you are still wondering, I will explain.

1. Motherhood is amazing. Ok. This is probably coming from the IFer in me. I always hated these types of FB posts. Like there is nothing else in this world that is as great as being a mom.Yes, I'm thrilled to become a mother, but still it's a stupid comment. Like I get to become a member of some secret club. "Motherhood." C told me to comment back "I'm glad my news supports your self worth." I'm so happy he gets it.
2. I knew C could get the job done. Ummm. Actually no he couldn't. And neither could I. Does that make us any less of parents to be? I wish people just wouldn't assume. (And keep in mind, this came from a family member. ugh.)
3. See. Good things do come to those who wait. The only think I can say about this is SHUT THE FUCK UP! And what bad things come to those who don't wait???

Anyway - 3 out of numerous comments isn't that bad. Maybe I should just de-friend those people. Then maybe they will learn to keep their mouths shut. :)

Here is a picture of the little bean with it's LONG legs! It's going to be a GIANT! oh and looks like an alien ... not the cutest of pictures yet. But I love it all the same!

Friday, November 26, 2010

12 weeks

How Far Along: 12 weeks (12w1d actually)!!!!

Size of baby: Over 2 inches - about the size of a plum. And about .5 oz.

All of the bodily structures are nearing an end and the baby's systems are fully formed. Now it's just growing from here on out!

Maternity Clothes: No. But I am definitely feeling tight in some of my pants.
Weight Gain: None so far! :)

Stretch Marks: No, not yet. But - and I'm not sure if this should go under the stretch marks section - I noticed today that I am starting to get that dark line from my pubic area to my belly button. C even saw it today, so I know I'm not imagining it.

Sleep: I'm up about once a night to pee, but sleep has gotten a little better. thank god!
Best Moment of the Week: 12 weeks! Come on that is awesome!! AND ... I finally heard the heart beat today! I've been hearing the fetal blood flow or something, but this morning, with a VERY full bladder, I heard the fast "train" - it was faint and didn't even measure on the doppler for a bpm, but it was there. So excited!

Movement: No.
Symptoms: Tired on and off - but a lot more energy than before. Boobs still a little sore. TMI - lots of gas ;)

Food cravings: Still loving meat. And I'm sooo thirsty. I had iced tea yesterday and I thought I was in heaven.
Gender: ?
What I Miss: Nothing really. Although yesterday I did miss a nice glass if red with dinner - so I drank my iced tea in a wine glass for old time sakes. :)

What I'm Looking Forward To: Seeing the ba-bee on the ultrasound on Monday. Hearing the heart beat loud and clear at that appt. And of course the bump. I can't wait.

Weekly Wisdom: I don't have any right now ... sorry.

Milestones: Week 12 is the biggest milestone! And Thanksgiving was my original date to tell people - so now it's public knowledge. Although I may wait until Monday - after the appt - to tell the FB community. Actually, I may still wait.

Emotions: I tear up at EVERYTHING! Movies, shows, commercials, music. I am also finding that my patience is very short. I'm hoping that will let up soon.
Key West is coming up next week. I can't wait. I can't wait to get away with C - eat good food, lay outside (under an umbrella of course), read books and sleep whenever I want. It will be so great! And let me say that I'm shocked that it is almost Dec!!! Crazy!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

11w6d - Bumps

Since I haven't really had many pregnancy symptoms - and especially now since the ones I did have are gone - it's been difficult to connect to "being or feeling pregnant" So I've become obsessed with how my belly looks. I stare at it, willing and wishing it larger. Looking from all angles, sticking it out as far as it can go and sucking it back it. All in hopes to see if it's slightly different from before. I told C this morning that I feel this is similar to when you lose weight - you don't really see a difference and the people you see everyday don't either, but it's the people you haven't seen in a few weeks that notice. That's how I think this is. I won't notice if my bump is growing - maybe my mom will because I haven't seen her in a few weeks... I don't know.

I haven't gained any weight (thank god b/c I have not been eating all that great lately. All I want is burgers!) but I do notice that my work pants - since they sit higher than my jeans - are getting really tight around the midsection. Sometimes I have to do the hairtie trick. (Loop a hair tie to the slit in the pants and then wrap it around the button to keep them on.) So I decided to bite the bullet and post the photos I've been taking of myself. They really aren't that great - I need to take photos with the same clothes on - but maybe you guys can see a difference. (this isn't the best picture quality either - did this super quick, but you get the point)

It's hard to tell really - I think I def have a little something on the last one, but it was also after I ate lunch and you know the bloating starts then. I want a little something. Something that says "Yup, I'm pregnant too ... not just fat!"

Anyhow, besides obsessing over my stomach, I've been counting down the days until my next appt. 5 days. I'm really anxious about it. Not because it's the u/s that shows whether or not I'm at higher risk for Down's or something, but because I haven't seen the little in almost 4 weeks! that is too long! If only my at home doppler worked - then I would know that the little one is in there. I'm sure he/she is chilling and is just fine, but you know, I like confirmation.

Tomorrow I am 12 weeks. WOW! I probably won't get on to do the update - should have done it today - since it's Thanksgiving! I'm looking forward to all the wonderful FOOD! Oh and time with family! So whomever is celebrating it, Happy Thanksgiving! I know I have a lot to be thankful for this year!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

11 weeks

How Far Along: 11 weeks - wow. 12 weeks is coming up fast!

Size of baby: 1.6 inches - the size of a lovely lime.

Maternity Clothes: No. But around 5 pm, I have to unbutton some of work pants.

Stretch Marks: No. I use baby oil right out of the shower - my skin is so smooth. Plus I smell like a baby now. :)

Sleep: Ugh. I hate complaining at all about this pregnancy, but my sleep has been just awful. Every hour up - plus I'm coughing up a storm from either allergies or a lingering cold.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting to 11 weeks. Nothing really exciting happened this week.

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Still tired, sore bbs, stretching and pulling of the uterus, stuffed up nose, headaches - oh the headaches.

Food cravings: Salads. And meat. I love me some meat.

Gender: ?

What I Miss: Nothing really.

What I'm Looking Forward To: To hearing the heart beat (I have a doppler and by god I will get it to work!!! - although I did hear the placenta. I was told it sounds like wind blowing thru trees and yes it does.) and to start to show. I can't wait for a little belly. (Or big belly!)

Weekly Wisdom: Drink lots of water.

Milestones: Made it through the week without C - he was in New Orleans on business. He gets home tonight. Oh and I finally am listening to the doctor's orders and am weaning myself off the progesterone suppositories. It will be nice when I don't have to do those anymore.

Emotions: I tend to fly a little off the handle - especially at work. But I come down from it pretty fast. And I get the tingling nose thing (you know, the start of a cry) a lot.
I'm counting down the days to 1. the next u/s on the 29th and 2. our trip to Key West two days later. What an exciting week that will be!

I've been really bad about posting and such. I usually do the majority of it at work - heehee - but I've just been so busy I haven't had the time. I'd like to get on here and post about non-baby things. I do get ideas in my head, but they don't last long. (that pregnancy brain thing is no joke) I swear - I'm more interesting than just the pregnant broad you've been reading about. Maybe during the second trimester I'll gain a little bit of my spunk back!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

10 weeks

How Far Along: 10 weeks

Size of baby: 1.25 inches - the size of a prune.

Maternity Clothes: No. But I did unpack the boxes my sister and BFF gave me and washed them. And then put them back into a tuperware box until I can use them. I wanted to be prepared.

Stretch Marks: No.

Sleep: I've been having kind of a crappy time sleeping. I'm tired, but it takes me forever to fall a sleep and when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm up for a bit.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting to 10 weeks! Oh and reading the message C sent to his college friends telling them I am pregnant. It's priceless. I figured I'd share:


The reason why we cannot go to Colorado is that K is pregnant and is due on June 9th. So I don't want to fly to Colorado with a 2 month old baby.

We've been trying for a while (2+ yrs) and with the help of science we have done it. I told K that if she wanted a baby with me of course it would come down to IVF since I'm an expert in cell culture. (though they didn't ask for my help).

They collected 17 eggs, 11 of which fertilized and out of that they selected the 2 best (in terms of cellular division, not in terms of ultimate life success) and put them back in. Only one implanted and that is little baby G, who is obviously a super baby since it went through such a rigorous selection process and then kicked the other possible sibling out of the uterus. I have a picture of the two 5 day old blastocysts (embryos) which is the first baby picture. I can post it later.

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Still tired, sore bbs, stretching and pulling of the uterus, stuffed up nose. (MW said it's normal.)

Food cravings: Salads. Although I've always loved salads, but I do want them more now.

Gender: I have no idea. But since the heart beat was 170 bpm everyone keeps telling me it's a girl. Oh and I did the Chinese Calendar and it says girl too. Now I'm mainly interested to find out if any of these are accurate. :)

What I Miss: Nothing really. But it would be great to not be tired allll the time.

What I'm Looking Forward To: To hearing the heart beat (I have a doppler and by god I will get it to work!!!) and to start to show. I can't wait for a little belly. (Or big belly!)

Weekly Wisdom: You don't want people to know you're pregnant and you go out for "drinks" order a club soda with a lime or lemon, have them put it in a rocks glass and people will think it's vodka/club or something. I haven't done this, but it was always going to be my plan in case the situation ever came up.

Milestones: Graduating from RE last week; Seeing the bean move; And making it to double digit weeks! I am 25% closer to holding my ba-bee.

Emotions: Today I'm happy. But it fluctuates. Yesterday I was kind of depressed and cried the majority of the morning (thanks hormones) about C and our relationship. "What if you don't love me anymore because I'm tired all the time??" I'm not kidding - I actually said that! I'm still nervous a lot and keep my guard up a little just in case ... But I'm overall THRILLED to be pregnant. I can't wait for the next 30 weeks to go by so I can see what my little ba-bee looks like. :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Do I have to share? Little rant.


OK. I know I may get some negative feedback with this one, but as everyone else says “It’s my blog. Deal with it.” LOL It goes without saying that C and I put a lot into attaining this pregnancy – over 2.5 yrs of trying, miscarriages, ectopic, surgeries, treatments, medication, heartache, tears, fights – you get the picture. So excuse my apprehensive to jump up and down when I got word that our first IVF cycle actually worked. I was in a bit of denial. But now, I’m thrilled. I want to scream it from rooftops and can’t wait to actually do that! I finally achieved what I had been dreaming about for so many years and what my friends all had. I am pregnant.

Here are the back stories to my little rant.

• While I was in the middle of doing IVF, I found out that an extended family member was pregnant – via FB. (Nice.) Anyhow, I was shocked for many reasons. First was the shock that most infertiles feel when people they know get pregnant. You’re happy for them, but mostly you’re sad for yourself. Second was the shock of how did this happen? They are not dating anyone, and haven’t dated in years. They have a teenager and are in their late 30s. (I would later find out that she did the deed once with an ex and VOLIA pregnant.)

• Right after I found out that the IVF did in fact work, I was talking to BFF and she mentioned that she spoke with one of our friends. I had also recently spoken with her. Then BFF says “Did she tell you she’s pregnant?” I said, “No. She wouldn’t tell me that. She knows that I was going through treatments.” (Some friends knew we were doing IVF, others knew we were doing something.) I do appreciate that she didn’t tell me when she found out – which was right before I found out. But nonetheless, she’s pregnant. And due 4 days before me. She already has a little boy who is 2.

• About two weeks ago, I was driving with a co-worker I’m really close with to a meeting. He had been on vacation for about two weeks prior to that, so I was excited to tell him the news. I very smoothly say I’m taking time off next year because we will have an addition to the family. He was thrilled for me. And in his next breath says that he too will be taking some time off, as his wife is pregnant and is due 11 days after me. He basically then said that they didn’t think it would happen so soon – which leads me to believe they just started trying.

OK - Here comes the bitterness – of what, a tired, emotional pregnant lady? An infertile? Perhaps.

Is it wrong that I’m kind of pissed that I have to share something I worked so hard towards with people that it came so easy and naturally for? Is it wrong that feel this way? I certainly don’t begrudge them at all for being pregnant. But couldn’t I just have had this experience alone? I mean I went through all the losses and treatments and pain alone – nobody shared those with me. Why is it that now at family functions, I’m lumped into the “Pregnant Ladies” group; With my friends, it’s “We’re so excited for K and so and so’s babies!”; and at work, “The pregnancy epidemic going on in the creative department.” I have always been so open with my IF struggles, but I feel like now that I'm in a "group" all that I went through is forgotten by everyone else and I will never forget that.

I know I really shouldn’t be feeling this way, but …. OK I hate this expression, but I feel like my thunder has been stolen. I don’t know. Is this just a bratty way of thinking? Should I be happy that there are other people feeling the joy of pregnancy the same time I am? Shouldn’t I be glad that I speak to other people about being pregnant? But I just can’t. And maybe I can’t because all I hear from them is “Oh this morning sickness is awful. This is just terrible.” (I would DIE for morning sickness – just to know that everything is going good.) “I hate being pregnant.” (Really? Then why are you pregnant?) “This baby just won’t stop moving.” (God I cannot WAIT to feel that and I hope it never stops.)

Am I being stupid? Am I being just mean? Am I being selfish? I really don't want to feel this way, but it's hard not to. Maybe instead of feeling like they don't fit in with me, the real reason I'm bothered by it is that I just don't fit in with them. I will forever be the one who had to do IVF for her baby. No one in my family, or friends or work can say that. And I guess at the end of the day, the reason I wanted to go this alone, was so I wasn't reminded of how different I am to everyone else.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

9w5d - So many thoughts

I must have written 3 or 4 posts in the last two weeks, but never finished them. One was about my attempt to make it to the Jon Stewart rally in DC, but instead bailed and went to a haunted house. (I finally got my Halloween fix) One was about watching old movies (Teen Witch, Sixteen Candles and Empire Records), quoting the funniest lines and I even searched YouTube for clips to attach. Another one was about Guiliana and Bill and their sad, all too realistic and relate-able story and I wanted to delve a little more on the media/TV's depiction of infertility.

But needless to say, I didn't get to post any of these and when I go back to continue the saved post, I don't have anything else to say about it. My thoughts are often fleeting these days. I can't keep a thought in my head for more than 2 minutes without writing it down to remember. It's like trying to collect fireflies.

So here is what's in my head right now:

I realized I missed both my 8th and 9th week updates. Here you go - nothing has really changed. Still no m/s, still tired, no belly and I'm still nervous as all hell every time I sleep through the night without waking up to pee, every time the progesterone suppository makes a return (TMI-you know what I'm talking about) and I brace myself in case it's a different color than white and every time I start getting crampy.

I had my final RE appt on Nov 3rd (8w6d) It was really an amazing visit. We had a PA doing the final u/s instead of the lightening fast RE, so we actually got to see the little bean for more than 30 seconds. First thing I notice is that everything is bigger. Check. Then we see the heart beating again. Check. We asked her what the BPM was and she said it was in between 160 and 170 bpms. Nice and strong. Check. Then she continues to show us everything else ... arms, feet, heart beating again, the brain forming, the spine, the amniotic sac. Check. Check. Check. And the she gets this excited tone in her and voice and says, "Guys, guys ... it's moving. See?" C and I sat there in awe that our little one inch ba-bee is actually moving - flopping - around. She held it there for a bit so we can watch it. She measured the bean, gave us our pictures, confirmed our due date (June 9th) and said congratulations. Then she gave me orders to wean off the progesterone. I signed a release for my medical records and we bid them a farewell. Phase one: Make a baby with RE ... Check.

I had the first of two OB appts the same day as my last RE appt. C and I rushed over to the OB and went through the motions - weight, BP, etc. Then the OB comes in and reads my chart for about 5 mins in silence (awkward!) He finally looks up and asks me if I have any questions. My first one is "Does this office deliver at so and so hospital?" He smiles and says no, not anymore. Ok. So I look at C and kind of give him the eyes that this made my decision of what OB office to go to easy. I continue with the appt in hopes that I will get ANOTHER u/s experience, even though I just had one 45 mins earlier. (I'm greedy!) We continue with the appt, an exam, bloodwork and yes - another u/s. C is asking privately the whole time "why are you letting them do all this when we aren't using them?" I tell him that I'll just have the records transferred over to the new OB office. No biggie.

Two days later, I have the second OB appt. The protocol with this office is for your first prenatal appt to be with one of the midwives. I guess they are the entry way into the practice. Now I've gone back and forth and whether or not I would actually want to use a midwife, so I welcomed this visit. I have to say C and I both really loved her. She took a lot of time with us, answered all our questions, and kind of went out of her way to make things easy for us. She didn't want to do more bloodwork or a culture since I already had one. Although she didn't do another u/s because I just had one. (only fault) We set up our first trimester screening and next visit for right after Thanksgiving and we were done. Our week of appts was finished. Now I just have to survive another three weeks without seeing my little one. I don't know how I will do it!

I started telling more people about me being pregnant. Now I'm not out of the closet on FB, but some extended family knows and most of our friends know. I did tell work. Some people may think it's too early or whatever, but I'm starting to get a little spacey on my To Do lists, so I wanted to cover my ass and let people know that I'm not getting lazy with work, I'm just pregnant. Everyone was thrilled. Some suspected as they knew I was going through IVF. Some were surprised (I was actually surprised that they were surprised - makes me think they aren't very observant) I feel better that it's out in the open. This way when they walk into my office and my eyes are closed, I don't have to come up with some excuse. I can just say, "Get out, I'm pregnant." :)

I received my medical records from RE in the mail on Friday. I sat down and started to read through them. Most of the information I already knew, but then I got to point of where my pregnancy started to progress. I noticed while on the PIO shots my P4 levels were 22, 28 and 32. Good. Then as soon as they moved me onto the suppositories, my levels dropped to 11 and then the last one was 15. WHAT?!? And they want me to wean off. No way, Jose. So I'm just going to prolong the weaning off process a little longer. That way it will bring me in my 11th week when I start to go every other day and I'll get off them during the 12th week. It will make me feel better. I know - if the RE was concerned, they certainly wouldn't tell me to stop. But I know me. Being on them until the placenta takes over will make me feel better. And in my world right now, keeping my sanity is a close second to keeping the baby.