7w4d - Lazy?

I’m feeling pretty unproductive these days. The combination of being “careful” about what I do and the exhaustion I am feeling about 85% of time is causing me to be a little lax on my everyday life responsibilities. Although C is always saying, “You are putting all your energy into making that baby. It’s Ok.” I don’t feel like it is. I almost feel like it may be a little mind or matter thing and I want to nip it in the bud right now. On work days, I manage to get up, get ready and spend 9 hours away from home being - scratch that - trying to be productive for work. But on the weekends and when I get home at night all I want to do is lay around on the couch. I know I’m not making up feeling tired, but I think if I push through it, I could actually get things done. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in forever (C just ends up getting take out for us); I haven’t done laundry (thank god I have about 50 pairs of undies to get me through); I thank the heavens everyday that we have a housecleaner, otherwise we would be living amongst dirt. I feel like all I do is go to work, come home, eat something and then go to sleep. I didn’t even step a foot outside yesterday. I just alternated my position on the couch to the bed and back to the couch. I actually missed a birthday party for a friend last night because I had a headache and didn’t want to get dressed and socialize. Is that bad? Am I falling into a trap?

Our friends had always teased C and I that we were busiest people they know. Our days were always jammed packed full of meetings, dinners, social engagements, get togethers, charity functions, etc. I liked being on the move – although I’m sure I kept us that busy so I wouldn’t have to think about the lack of a baby in our lives since the majority of everyone else was going home after work to be with their kids. And I am still trying to maintain our "busy" lifestyle, but I'd much rather be home in my jams, watching a movie with my dog and C of course.

But I just can't get moving. I'm sure it's normal, but I feel like I'm failing in my everyday life. Now I've never believe in the whole "wife role" thing (C and I shared the house responsibilities), but I am starting to feel like I'm not pulling my weight. And I feel bad for C because these days when he isn't working, he is renovating our bathroom. I wish I could help, but I just don't have it in me. I need to just get up and do something - I'm sure I would feel better - no? I'm torn between resting - for no other reason than I'm freakin' tired - and making myself get up and do the stuff I'd normally do ...... I guess I should just relish in the fact that there is a reason I am tired and have no energy. Right? In a few weeks, hopefully I'll feel a little more energized and then I will be having this conversation about how I need to relax more.

On a more positive, loving note - C and I were driving to a party on Saturday and I had my eyes closed because I had a major headache (I think this is a new symptom ... a constant headache that doesn't go away.) But when I opened them, I noticed that C was looking at me. I asked him what's up? He then says "I didn't think this could happen, but I love you so much more right now. The fact that you are having our baby just makes me think about you differently." I thought that was so sweet .... and then I had a panic that, god forbid this doesn't stick for the long haul and it turns out I can't carry a baby, is he going to love me less?? He assured me absolutely not. It's just that right now, in this moment I am carrying our baby, so he is feeling that love. I shut my mouth and took that as the best compliment ever.

7 weeks

How Far Along: Until I'm told otherwise, I'm sticking to 7 weeks today.

Size of baby: As of yesterday, it was 7mm - so a little over .25 in. But I believe this week it will grow to the size of a blueberry - .5 in.

Maternity Clothes: No. But I did notice today, in a "feel-good" outfit, that I can't suck in as much as I use to. I showed C and he smiled and said, "Babe, that's been there for a while." You have to love his honesty. :)

Stretch Marks: No.

Sleep: Sleeping through the night.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the heartbeat!!!!

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Tired, randomly sore bbs, sour stomach feeling when I'm not eating, still feeling cramping - sometimes it feels like AF is coming. I hope that's normal.

Food cravings: None.

Gender: ? My stepmother asked me last night if I had a preference. I can honestly say I don't. I just want a healthy baby.

What I Miss: Nothing. Although this isn't really something I miss - but I am finding it difficult to get things done at work. I'm too busy writing on my blog, checking out others, reading pregnancy stuff, etc. How will I last for another 7 months!!!

What I'm Looking Forward To: All of it!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't google everything ... it will make you crazy!!!! Oh and my RE said symptoms do come and go. You will not feel them all the time. Good to know!

Milestones: Seeing the heartbeat is the BIGGEST milestone for me. I have NEVER seen that. Oh and I get to make an appointment with my OB for next week. Then I graduate from RE office on Nov 3rd! Wow!

Emotions: I'm happy. I told my family yesterday about the heart beat and they all were so excited. I am taking a leap of faith and really believing that in 7 months I will have my little one in my arms!!!

6w6d - Relief

Last night I was laying in bed, still feeling a little ill from my case of food poisoning or the stomach flu (which C is convinced I had rather than FP.) and I was trying to prepare myself for whatever news I was going to get today. I, of course, had a bad feeling - as I have had before every other appointment, blood draw or phone call. I haven't known anything else. But amongst all the scenarios I have been playing out in my head about receiving bad news, I allowed myself to "daydream" about hearing good news and just doing that allowed me to feel all warm inside, so I decided that I needed to finally close my eyes with a little comfort that I was feeling.

I woke up this morning (back to sleeping straight through the night) and immediately remembered a dream I had. Of course it was about the morning's appointment and I turned to C and said "I dreamed it was 166 bpm" Although I was still EXTREMELY nervous, I walked into the office with a little peace inside of me.

Sitting on the table, naked bottom and all, I am armed with tissues (for either way) and this prayer card I made for myself before I was even approved for IVF. Dr. Y (female RE) comes in and I tell her I'm nervous and she asked if I have been bleeding. I answer no. I am nervous because I have never gotten good news at one of these ultrasounds. I lay back and I immediately see that the sac and the contents inside are definitely bigger. I'm staring at the screen and before I could make out what anything was, C says "I see it!" Dr. Y does confirm that what C sees is in fact a heart beat and it is strong. I finally see it in all its flickering glory. I wish now that I had asked her to stay on it a little bit longer, but I was in such shock that I couldn't even get out any words. I started to cry - both in relief that my heart won't be broken today and for the fact that another heart is beating inside of me. (God, whenever I think about that, it takes my breath away.)

So now, after seeing this miracle, I will no longer be negative. I will be positive and excited. I will let the fact that I have no pregnancy symptoms be a blessing rather than a curse. I will not doubt that I'm pregnant, because I am. My body is now living for two beating hearts.


Here is my little bean at either 6w6d or 7w1d - so I'm just going to round to 7 weeks.
And here is a little clarification on what's what in there.

6w4d - Morning Sickness?

So if you haven't gotten it from my previous posts, I want to feel a little sick, to get that wave of unsteadiness and be aware of the nearest restroom. I know it's strange to WANT to get sick, but all I think about is what my SIL told me years ago "Morning sickness is just a sign of a thriving pregnancy." It's the quintessential symptom of pregnancy. It's the one the movies highlight - not the exhaustion, headaches or sore bbs - it's all about the morning sickness. I do understand that all pregnancies are different and not everyone gets morning sickness, but it doesn't help when a friend of mine (who is due the same day as me) is posting on FB that all she is doing is "throwing up." I can't help but feel a little jealous.

So yesterday afternoon, I started to feel a little nauseous I thought "OK. It's about time!" I had eaten lunch around 1PM and it was close to 6PM, so I was probably due to eat. My girlfriend and her 6 month old son were over so I was waiting to eat until they left. But about a hour later, right before they were getting ready to leave, I started to feel really sick. I grabbed a saltine and tried to eat it, but it was only making it worse. I walked her out to her car and came back in the house. And then the real wave hit me. I went running to the bathroom and got, what one could only call violently sick. I finished my business and walked proudly upstairs to tell C that it has finally happened. I am finally feeling pregnant. I got changed for bed and decided to call it an early evening. I was still feeling a bit nauseous, so I decided to bypass dinner and go to sleep. I was having a terrible sleep, waking up every 20 mins. Then about 2 hours after the first run to the bathroom, I was hitting it up again .... and again .... and again. Straight through the night. Then it hits me - this isn't morning sickness. Without jumping the TMI ledge, I realize that "all" my symptoms are leading to food poisoning. I continued to be sick all this morning and only now - over 24 hours since I ate that "contaminated" sandwich, am I able to sip on ginger ale and soup broth.

Of course, I immediately think about the pregnancy. Does this affect my growing bean? If in fact my bean is still growing. Realizing that this wasn't morning sickness just threw me back into the worries of a non symptom pregnancy (sadly my bbs don't even hurt anymore). I have two more days until I go in to see the heartbeat and I would bet my life's savings that it's not going to be favorable. I just have this terrible feeling that it's going to be a gut wrenching day. I have a feeling that I will be running to a bathroom to be sick, but not with hormone induced sickness, just pain and hurt sickness.

I wish I felt more positive. C keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine. God I wish I could believe him. I wish I could just believe.

Anniversary

Yesterday was mine and C's 4 year anniversary. I can remember that day like it was just last week. It was kind of cool, but dry - the most important thing to a bride when a portion of the wedding is to take place out outside - the leaves were already starting to change. Even though I LOVE summer, fall definitely takes second place. The crispness in the air, the deep colors everywhere, pumpkins, apple cider, Halloween ... Pulling out your sweaters and boots. Ahhh fall.

Anyhow, I wasn't nervous that morning (may had to do with the x.anax and glass of champagne I had at 8 in the morning.), I was just excited. We did the hair thing in the AM and then grab some pizzas to go back to the suite to get ready. I actually ended up doing most of the girls' make-up. Not that I'm a make-up artist, but I am a painter, so at least I know how to use a brush. Ha.

Putting on that dress was wonderful. I remember looking in the mirror and giggling. I felt like I was playing dress up. Even though I was in my late 20's, I still felt like a kid. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamt about her wedding day - I was probably one of the most no-frills brides anywhere - so seeing myself ready to walk down that aisle and become a Mrs. was really a moment for me - it was like, wow is this really happening???

Anyhow, the wedding itself was amazing - we still have friends tell us it was their favorite wedding. (Best compliment ever!) We wanted it to be a huge party and that was exactly how it played out. No tears were shed, just smiles, laughs and lots and lots of drinking. :)

The last two years may have been a struggle for C and I, and a test of our marriage, but I know there is NO ONE that I'd rather had spent those dark days with.

Happy Anniversary to my love, my life ... C.

6 weeks

How Far Along: 6 weeks, although my u/s photo says 6 weeks two days ago, but I'm going with when my retrieval was.

Size of baby: Small pea. (.25in)

Maternity Clothes: No.

Stretch Marks: No more than the usual. LOL. And I know that they are genetic, so I'm sure I'll end up with them, but I have started using oil and creams to help minimize when they do come.

Sleep: Still waking up every night and staring at the ceiling for about 45mins-1 hour.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing that everything is where it belongs and right on schedule.

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Tired, sore bbs, some little cramping ... that's about it. I may regret saying this, but "Come on morning sickness, I welcome you!"

Food cravings: None.

Gender: ?

What I Miss: Nothing.

What I'm Looking Forward To: My next ultrasound on Wednesday ... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let there be a strong heartbeat!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't itch your PIO injection sites - it will only make it worse!

Milestones: Seeing on the ultrasound that the little bean is in my uterus and is good ... that is a first!

Emotions: I'm relaxed - not overly happy, but not sad. I think next week is going to be a big week for me. I think seeing a heartbeat will make we realize that there is a little one growing and doing well inside of me.

5w5d - One is NOT the loneliest number

It is the number of babies I have in me right now. I was pretty sure that both of the blasts didn't stick but I know C was really hoping that they did. (so were my BFF and my mom) I did say when Dr. D left the room that I was a tad disappointed that they both weren't there, but that's mainly because that means one of my little ones (MEB or FEB??) didn't make it.

But I couldn't be happier with today's ultrasound. I got to see the big sac, the yolk sac and the fetal pole. And interestingly enough, if you look at the picture, it says my gestational age is 6w - so maybe it's a little ahead of what I thought. It was still too early for a heartbeat, but am going back either Monday or Wednesday next week to see it! I am really praying that it's there and strong!

And they told me I could stop taking the PIO shots and start using progesterone suppositories 2x day. I actually wanted to continue using the shots, but Dr. D said that there was no reason to and considering I'm already showing signs of major irritation, it's better to not continue and risk cellulitis. So I'm trusting that they know what they are doing ... haha. I'm not overly thrilled about using the suppositories (TMI - if you've ever used them, you know why!) But I will of course do it - and with a smile on my face, because I am pregnant!

5w4d - Anxious

So tomorrow is my first ultrasound. 8AM. At least it's first thing in the morning - so I either get the good news and go on with my day in bliss or it's bad news and I'm going to cry all day. Hmmm. I sure am hoping for the former!

I keep googling (I know - I need a Google-intervention!) what an ultrasound at 5w5d looks like. I feel like a crazy person. It's just that the two times I've gotten the "first" ultrasound, it's either been an empty sac or completely absent from my uterus. So I'm anxious about tomorrow morning and I'm praying like crazy that I hear nothing but "Everything looks good."

And here is an interesting, new revelation ... as the one person who kept saying the PIO shots aren't a big deal - I am now eating my words! Huge knots have formed in the area, bruises are now showing, they bleed every time we do the injection ... and NOW, the area itches like crazy and I have red welts!! Wonderful! So every night at 7:30, whereas I use to not care, now I dread getting stuck in the ass.

But I will do anything to keep this baby (or babies) snuggled in tight!

5 Weeks

I saw a few other bloggers do this and I thought it would be great way to "journal" my progress. I am trying anything to make myself believe that I am actually pregnant and that I should be enjoying this.

How Far Along: A mere 5 weeks 1 day.

Size of baby: Apple seed.

Maternity Clothes: No.

Stretch Marks: No more than the usual. LOL

Sleep: I'm getting tired mid-day. But am starting to suffer from mid-night insomnia. I was up from 3-5AM last night.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting back the third beta levels and them being over 1000!

Movement: No.

Symptoms: Exhausted, sore bbs, blue veins (although these are def brought on by PIO) and cramps like AF is coming.

Food cravings: None.

Gender: ?

What I Miss: Nothing at all! Well that's not entirely true, I will miss brie cheese. (I love that stuff!!)

What I'm Looking Forward To: My first ultrasound next Tuesday.

Weekly Wisdom: I don't have any. Sorry.

Milestones: Getting pregnant - isn't that a big enough milestone!

Emotions: Nervous - a lot. My temper is a little short, but I don't think that's pregnancy related. I think that's stupid people related.

4w6d

I'm taking the plunge and changing my post titles from days past transfer to weeks pregnant! My third round of betas came back great!

15dp5dt - 1008

I am so relieved and finally believe that I am actually pregnant and this may take! I did a little excel file comparing all my other pregnancies and their beta levels and I've FAR surpassed the other levels at 20 dpo. (You know - we all get obsessed one point during TTC!)

No more blood tests until my first ultrasound which is actually Tuesday, October 12th! We will then make sure it's not in the tube and snuggled in the right place. And we will find out how many are in there. C is hoping and still thinking it's two. But I really think it's only one. But we will know for sure in less than a week.

I still can't believe this. I actually came home today and walked into C's office to give him a kiss and said "You're pregnant wife is home." WOW. But I still can't help to think that this is all going to come to an end soon. At the ultrasound, where all my other bad news was given, being told that things don't look good. That is all I am expecting happen. I don't think I'll ever completely get over that feeling. I just hope that it will decrease with every "milestone" passed.

First ultrasound, seeing the HB, hearing the HB, growing a bump, feeling it moved (I can't even imagine that!) ... I'm hoping that I don't live the next 8 months in fear and that I can actually enjoy this!

13dp5dt - 360

Am I feeling better about this number than I was about the "50" ... yes. But am I still nervous ... yes!!!

So at 13dp5dt my levels have increased to 360. They are doubling at a rate of 1.4 days, so that's positive. But what makes me nervous is all the blogs, forums and such have ladies with numbers in the 1000's at this stage. I don't want to sound ungrateful that I am actually pregnant, but all of my past experiences with this has not been good, so forgive me for being cynical. I just wish I can fast forward to the heartbeat ultrasound and know that my little bean is thriving!

And I don't have any symptoms other than the ones brought on by PIO. I am actually praying for morning sickness!!! :)

I go back on Wednesday for another draw. And hopefully this will be my last one, since I'm praying it will be over 1000!

10dp5dt

Ok. So yesterday was the big day. The BETA day. I was so nervous all day long. The "symptoms" from the HCG shot wore off and other than feeling the sore boobs and exhaustion from the PIO shots, I didn't have any real pregnancy symptoms. So I was kind of expecting the worst.

I took off of work to be home with C while I got the call. So the phone rings and I look at the caller id and see the number. C sits next to me as I answer the phone. The docs words were this, "So Kim, I'm calling with the results from your pregnancy test. Congratulations, it is positive. Stop taking the Estrace and up your PIO shots to 1 1/2ml." Finally she breaks and I said OMG Thanks and asked her what my number was. And then the rug came up from underneath me, "50." Ugh.

Everything I've read, I've heard, I've seen you're beta at 9dp5dt should be at least 100. So I'm not jumping with joy yet. I go back on Monday for the follow up beta. I had originally been told I'd go back on Saturday, so I questioned this and she said Monday would be fine. Now I'm jumping to conclusions since the RE didn't tell me to be cautious or anything, but I am. I've had several miscarriages and the first beta for all was around this number at this timeframe. All but the chemical pregnancy (which was 26, not far off) I have to say that I don't have a good feeling about this. But I will wait until Monday and see what happens.

I wish I had a better feeling about it.