Sunday, July 25, 2010

Gravity = Infertility

I was never a fan of American Idol. I just couldn't listen to these people do cover songs, some badly, and watch them be humiliated by Simon. So when So You Think You Can Dance came on I was thrilled. I've always loved watching people dance - not dancing like people in a club because that is just people having sex standing up (which, on a side note, probably some of them ended up magically pregnant - maybe I should rethink going club hopping!) but real dancing. Ballroom, broadway, jazz, etc. It's amazing to see the commitment dancers have and to see how the human body moves. It's beautiful and interesting all in one. I fell in love this show. It was so enjoyable and fun to watch.

So I was a few seasons in when they did this one routine. This routine not only brought me to tears, but made me full on cry. It was so amazing, so gut wrenching and so truthful. See the routine was about addiction and at the time, my younger sister was battling an addiction to heroin. She was in and out of rehabs, stealing, getting arrested and cutting us out of her life. It was so painful knowing that we couldn't do anything to help her and to way to show her that we cared was to do nothing. There were times we didn't know if she was alive or not and had NO idea where she was. At this time, it had already been a long and painful two years for all of us. I was obviously never able to see things from her eyes. I knew this was a struggle for her, but never realized just how bad the struggle was. And I know it sounds corny, but this routine opened my eyes to her pain and it really just broke my heart. Here was this thing that had a grasp on her, wouldn't let go and she was drowning from it.

Not only was this routine danced absolutely BEAUTIFULLY, the song was so fitting at the time.

Following this, my sister hit an all time low and she almost lost her life. It would be another year before we got her back. However, I'm happy to say that today she is 9 months clean and doing SOOO well. (I'll get a little more into this one day - it's still really hard to talk about.)

I've come to love the song (Gravity by Sara Bareilles) that was in this routine. I was listening to it the other day and as much as it reminds me of the pain my sister went through, I couldn't help realizing that the words fit for any struggle. Then I realized that the pain, the addiction in the dance, for my sister, is infertility for me. We all weigh this on our hearts, our souls and honestly our backs. We are victims of the pain it brings. We want to let go. But we can't. We think we've moved on, forgetting the daily hurt only to have it drag us back down with the sight of a BFN or a pregnant woman or another event, holiday, birthday without a child. The lyrics of the song don't fit perfectly, and I'm certainly not comparing infertility to addiction, but the pain is there. The hold of being childless and trying so desperately to have a family is there. I look at it like I'm reaching for happiness in my life, trying to find it without having to think of not being pregnant every single day and yet it's something, that keeps me down, makes me drop to the floor and feel ... that thing is infertility, my gravity.

Something always brings me back to you/ It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do/ I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch/ You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much/ Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be/ I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall/ I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile/ When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while/ And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be/ I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall/ I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees/ As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need/ Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe/ Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know/ Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over/ Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

In case you want to hear the whole song, here you go.


  1. So very true Kim. Thanks for sharing this difficult post with us. I can see how it totally relates to Infertility. Ugh, that must have been hard to watch the first time. I remember seeing it too and being moved. This 'thing' we're in is a drug, no doubt about it.

  2. I liked your post and Sara Bareilles is one of my favs!!! And you are so freaking right, I just looked into new insurance today because I thought that I could just stop trying for a baby.....LOL I am so funny. :) Well at least we are all in this together.

  3. I look forward to you sharing GREAT things from your 8/10 appt!!

  4. Beautiful post! thanks for sharing.
    How did your consult go? hoping it was a good appointment.
    I have something on my blog for you.