Monday, July 12, 2010

Is he right?

C and I went up to meet some friends in the NYC on Wednesday evening. We live a little over an hour outside the city, but unfortunately don't go as much as we want. But a college friend of C's was in from Cali and we made the trip to see her and a bunch of his other friends who live there. Let me clarify, these are C's college friends and their spouses/SOs. I was lucky enough to have them adopt me and have made some good friends out of the deal.

Now I don't go around on mountain tops screaming about IF, but if the question comes up about babies and trying for babies, I am not shy about telling my story. I had always wished that more people had talked about their losses so when I had my mine, I didn't feel so alone. Anyhow, last year I received a phone call from one of the girls, "M". I have known that they were trying and she was well aware of what I had been through - at the time I was less than 6 months shy of my ectopic/surgery. So I had a feeling that something was wrong. She was pregnant, but in the midst of having a ectopic pregnancy. She called because she was scared and knew that I had gone through the same thing. I was happy that there was at least one good thing to come of my shitty experience - to help someone else through their shitty experience. She ended up rupturing her tube and lost it as well. (Her doctors were crap)

So over the last year whenever we would get together, we would chat about what how we were feeling, how our husbands WEREN'T feeling, and treatments I was doing - they were roughly half a year behind us in treatments so I was like her own personal guinea pig. She called me when they finally went to the RE, had all the tests, etc.

Now emotionally I have been doing a lot better - I know this is contrary to my previous posts - but I have been more relaxed and trying to enjoy the alone time I have with C. This is probably largely in part to our plan to go straight to IVF at the end of the summer. So back to Wednesday night - C and I get to the city and almost everyone is there already. M is sitting drinkless at the bar, immediately (as we all gauge our friends this way) I'm thinking she is pregnant. I ask her pointblank, are you drinking tonight? She knows what that means and says YES! We exchange frowns and I pulled up a chair. Then she started to tell me that she can't take it anymore. I told her that I knew exactly how she was feeling and that I used to feel just like that.

C and I get in the car and I told him how funny it was to hear M tell me all the things she's doing as I use to be that way. And then C says, "Used to be?" I was taken back. I really thought I have been doing a lot better. Hell I don't even know what cycle day I'm on now. I'm certainly not using OPK, Preseed or any other fertility helping product. So why would he think that I'm still just as crazed as I was months ago? C started to explain that I never got any help for my "obsession" He says "What has changed? You are calm now because we have a plan in place. What's going to happen once we start doing the shots and you are in that waiting period again? You're going to be all crazy again. You never did anything to help you out of that." Uh, yes I did. Time helps, acceptance helps, I did go to therapy for like a second, but I do think that helped, exhaustion helps. Do I admit that if the IVF cycle doesn't work I know I'm going to go insane? Yes. I know that it will be a HUGE letdown. And I hate that I'm counting this as the end all, be all to the baby hopes. But my everyday life is dramatically better than it was a year ago. I think I have moved on.

So here's the question - is he right? Should I have gotten help? Should I still get help? What have been your thoughts on moving forward? I think I'm OK, but am I just tricking myself into this until August comes and I lose myself again? Lots and lots of questions - never any answers. Thanks a lot C!!!


  1. Oh Men!!!! I have heard a comment like that or two, or three, from my husband. They have NO IDEA just how much better we are doing. And trust me sister, you have gotten help. You've helped me and M, and many others. Without sounding like a loser, I'm going to share something about education. In teaching we say that a child learns best by doing...but not being talked at.

    You are "doing". You're talking about it, seeking help from other women, you're blogging about it! You are working on it. Just because we don't see a therapist a few times a week doesn't mean that we are NOT dealing with the obvious. Such a misconception therapy can be sometimes.

    Here's what I can tell you. You may stumble again. And the pain will be raw just like it was. But let me tell you...the growth is in the recovery time. You might have noticed that already. What used to take us weeks, months, to get over, now only takes us a day or two. And that, my dear friend, IS moving on. You have grown and you will tackle your next challenge, and you will overcome. You are here and present in this moment. So many other women aren't.

    Oh Men! They say the darnest things!

  2. No offense to your husband, but only you know what's best for you, meaning only you know if and when you need to ask for help. Like Michelle wrote, just because you aren't seeing a therapist doesn't mean that you aren't coping with your feelings. Your only coping mechanism doesn't need to be talking face-to-face with a counselor. It can be blogging or writing about your feelings. It can be talking openly about your experiences with friends and family: whether they've been through the same experiences or not. It can mean reading books or articles on the Internet. Hell, just getting out a good cry every once in a while is coping.

    Grief has no start date and end date. It comes in waves--some days are good, some days are bad--and you don't have to see a counselor for every bad day. As long as you feel satisfied with your emotions and as long as you handle them (rather than ignore them or push them to the side), I don't see why you have to get professional help if you don't feel you need it.

  3. Girl I am with you! My DH and I have totally stopped trying. It is really too much. I have not been pregnant yet at all so I cannot understand your loses, but from such trumatic events I would seek help. And I say that only to gain better coping skills from an outsider. Our DHs will never understand how much it hurts to not be able to become a mom. So just think about it. I think with going into an IVF round it would really help to mentally be ok. Good luck to you . Lots of love. :)