Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Confronting Feelings

A few days ago, Katie, one of the ladies whose blog I follow, posted a great, extremely well written (really she is wonderful!) post. She talked about whether it was better to have loved and loss, then to never have loved at all in respects to miscarriages. (read here for the full post)

It wasn't until I read her post that I ever really thought about that. I commented on her post - and to be honest - my answer surprised me. I said that I wish I never had gotten pregnant in the first place. Actually if you read my comment, I come off angry. Angry? I thought I had moved on, I was "healed" and ready to go forward. Yet my comment proves otherwise. But here I was saying that I "cursed this last pregnancy when it went away" and "that my second m/c robbed me, ruined me." It brought up so many feelings that I wasn't aware I felt. I've done such a good job of pushing them down, closing my eyes to them and pretending that I was perfectly fine. And here a blog post made them jump to the surface!

Over the last couple of days, I thought more about this. Whereas I don't regret my comment, I wanted to dig a little deeper into this - for myself. I can obviously say that I wish I never had any of my miscarriages. I really wish I never had the ectopic. But is it true that I wish I were never pregnant at all? All of my losses were before 8 weeks, so I never saw a heartbeat or even saw the "bean" on screen. Does that make it "easier" to say I wish they never happened at all? I don't know. I guess I can't say that I would have never wanted the joy of seeing two lines or telling C that I'm pregnant - those times were so amazing. But in hindsight, since I lost them all, does the happiness of a few weeks out weigh the pain each miscarriage caused? I don't think so. I am a different person because of them ... and not in a good way. I gained traits that I became ashamed of. I turned into someone I didn't recognize. Only now, am I seeing that I am letting go of those traits and starting to become someone I vaguely recognize. But those experiences did take something from me. They took my hope away. They took the calmness and excitement I once felt about becoming a mother and turned it into desperation and jealously.

Although I do think my initial comment was true, I have to say that I can't even imagine going through two years of TTC without getting pregnant. I'm not sure what that does to someone. I guess I will never know. And I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

Even though this situation shocked me, I think it helped me. I think hiding my feelings hasn't really been working for me and comforting them, even as painful and raw as they can be, is healthy. I like to think of myself as resilient and that I can bounce back from "anything" but that's just foolish. A wise woman once said to me "Allow yourself to feel your experiences. Don't just put them on a shelf and move on."

So thank you, Katie, for making me take these feelings off the shelf. I can say that I really think they won't go back on.


  1. Honestly, the way the losses, the ectopic, and the string of BFN's have changed me ... it scares me. I can totally relate to your feelings, and your thoughts about this journey changing our personalities.
    I think it must be a natural way to react to the incredible hurt and tragedy we had to go through.

    I am still dreaming & hoping one day we'll succeed, and the joy & happiness will overcome, and bring that long-deserved sunshine back to our lives. It will never undo anything, but it may help us to look at this journey from another perspective, from a not so hurt and bitter one. Gosh, I surely hope so! I want to see the rainbow!!!

    Beautiful post! thanks for sharing.

  2. I love this post Kim. You echo many of my feelings about my loss. While losing Mikayla was different, I don't regret her, but I often wonder if it would be easier if I was never pregnant. Would the pain and emptiness be that much easier? Again, we will never know.

    This is a difficult journey. Many, many people, including my closest friends do not understand my pain, anger, and jealousy. They do not understand the destructive behaviour we have because of it.

    Your post is just so fitting to my heart and I truly appreciate having someone to go through this with. I think it is ok to say and shout out "THIS SUCKS" and "NO, THINKING POSITIVE DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK!". It's part of OUR journey and one day we will overcome this pain. But for now, this is where we are at. Tomorrow may be different, but for today...it's ok.

    Thanks for that.