It wasn't until I read her post that I ever really thought about that. I commented on her post - and to be honest - my answer surprised me. I said that I wish I never had gotten pregnant in the first place. Actually if you read my comment, I come off angry. Angry? I thought I had moved on, I was "healed" and ready to go forward. Yet my comment proves otherwise. But here I was saying that I "cursed this last pregnancy when it went away" and "that my second m/c robbed me, ruined me." It brought up so many feelings that I wasn't aware I felt. I've done such a good job of pushing them down, closing my eyes to them and pretending that I was perfectly fine. And here a blog post made them jump to the surface!
Over the last couple of days, I thought more about this. Whereas I don't regret my comment, I wanted to dig a little deeper into this - for myself. I can obviously say that I wish I never had any of my miscarriages. I really wish I never had the ectopic. But is it true that I wish I were never pregnant at all? All of my losses were before 8 weeks, so I never saw a heartbeat or even saw the "bean" on screen. Does that make it "easier" to say I wish they never happened at all? I don't know. I guess I can't say that I would have never wanted the joy of seeing two lines or telling C that I'm pregnant - those times were so amazing. But in hindsight, since I lost them all, does the happiness of a few weeks out weigh the pain each miscarriage caused? I don't think so. I am a different person because of them ... and not in a good way. I gained traits that I became ashamed of. I turned into someone I didn't recognize. Only now, am I seeing that I am letting go of those traits and starting to become someone I vaguely recognize. But those experiences did take something from me. They took my hope away. They took the calmness and excitement I once felt about becoming a mother and turned it into desperation and jealously.
Although I do think my initial comment was true, I have to say that I can't even imagine going through two years of TTC without getting pregnant. I'm not sure what that does to someone. I guess I will never know. And I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.
Even though this situation shocked me, I think it helped me. I think hiding my feelings hasn't really been working for me and comforting them, even as painful and raw as they can be, is healthy. I like to think of myself as resilient and that I can bounce back from "anything" but that's just foolish. A wise woman once said to me "Allow yourself to feel your experiences. Don't just put them on a shelf and move on."
So thank you, Katie, for making me take these feelings off the shelf. I can say that I really think they won't go back on.