Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Onward and Upward

So I let myself be upset this weekend. I let myself cry and scream at anyone who would listen. I laid around and felt sorry for myself. I took off of work Monday because I just couldn't fake the smile. I know I was pregnant for like a second so technically I shouldn't be "grieving" a loss, but it is a loss. It's a loss of hope. It's a loss of that wonderful disbelief feeling that only a BFP gives you after wanting it sooo badly.

Anyhow, so now I'm moving on. Moving back on really. I've been moving on for two years ... you'd think I'd be somewhere really exciting by now. Somewhere like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory or Fiji! (I'd be equally excited about both)

My biggest concern now is what will this mean for us (insurance wise) when we move forward with IVF in the summer. I was all good with the criteria - unilateral tubal factor (got it) with no conception for 12 months (had it) So now does this mean that we aren't going to be able to move straight on to IVF? I don't know. Yes, I am aware that I did become pregnant naturally for all of those asking why I would be moving onto an aggressive treatment. I knew I wasn't 100% infertile. Dr. D (our RE) said my chances are as follows: 4% to get pregnant naturally on our own; 9-11% to get pregnant doing IUI with injectables; 54-59% to get pregnant doing IVF. So really it's all about the numbers ... plus I'm not so sure that I can go another 18 months of all of this "trying" for 4%.

Anyhow, I keep telling myself to not think about it until we have the insurance info in hand and Dr. D is saying to my face, it's not going to happen. Until then, I'm staying out of my head.


  1. Girl I so know how you are feeling. I annoy myself with all this new anxiety I have acquired thanks to infertility.It really keeps me up at night all the what ifs. Stay out of your head and know that if you are done trying the natural way then move on. I know I am, after two years in August I have been done. Best of luck to you and know we are here for ya. :)

  2. I totally agree with Katherine's post. I am tired. This is so hard on our souls. For me, when we try again with the Heparin shots, that will be my last biological try. 2+ years of this crap is just about enough.

    And oh yes, that damn 'head space' of ours. It is our worst demon. Keeping us up at night, making us sad in the daytime. I wish I had the magic words to say away from that darn 'worry' factor...but I have yet to learn it myself.

    In the mean time, misery loves company. Well, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean.

    Love ya to bits. One day things will be better, I promise.