Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The "What ifs" ... Warning: Major Whining

I'm in a bad spot and have been for a few days.

The last few days I have been thinking a lot about the "whys" and "hows" of all of this. My birthday is coming up in less than a month and I'm not upset at all about getting older, but the fact that it's another year without a baby is tough. Most of my friends' kids are all over 1 yr old, some as old as 3 yr and I started trying to expand our family before the majority of them. I can't believe that I've been at this for over 2 years! And still I'm without a baby to call my own.

I've been trying to live in the moment and enjoy the time C and I have without kids, but sometimes it's too much to take. My best friend has two kids (don't get me wrong, I adore them) and is out having play dates with our other friends and their kids and I can't help but feel envious of that. (I hate the word jealous, but that is probably more accurate) I know August isn't far off, but I'm really trying not to put all my eggs (no pun) in one basket - the IVF basket. What if it doesn't work? What if they won't even cover it b/c I conceived on my own last month. God I wish that never happened. It really threw me for a loop. I was all ready for moving forward, and now I don't know what to do? Do I move to onto IVF or do I see what happens for another year?

Major whining alert: I just can't believe this is my life. I should have known this would happen - I have an amazing husband, a great job, all the material stuff (house, car, etc), good friends - of course I can't "have it all." Did I sacrifice the wrong thing? Did my decision to marry later than my friends did, work towards a career and travel diminish my childbearing time? Did I do this to myself?

I hate feeling this way.


  1. I am so sorry. I understand completely. Some days, I just get stuck in a rut and I can't stop asking myself the why questions: Why did this happen? Why am I being punished? etc. I hope that August's IVF cycle works and you can join your friends and their kids on playdates very soon.


  2. Oh Mr. Sun, Sun,
    Mr. Golden Sun,
    Please shine down on Kimmy.

    That's my quacky way of trying to make you smile.
    Hope you are feeling even the tiniest bit better.

    Lots of love and hugs and big rays of August hope,


  3. OMG! I'm so glad you found my blog, just reading through some of your posts, I have the same feelings. "Everything" has always worked out for me...school, friends, family, husband, etc...so when we started our struggle I thought, figures, everything else has always gone right so it was bound that SOMETHING wouldn't...grrr! IF sucks!