Month 1

OK - I'm going to try to write down the first month ... if I can remember it! Sorry this is going to read a little more like a "journal" entry than an entertaining post as I try to remember everything.

While in the hospital, I felt pretty confident with Peyton. She was breastfeeding like a champ. I was feeling better than I thought I would - I was up and walking around less than 24 hours after her birth. Wasn't sleeping at all, but "hey, it's not that bad." I hated putting her in that clear bucket they call a bassinet, so she slept on me almost all the time. I was counting down the days, then hours until we could be discharged and start our lives all together.

When we got home, I apparently became a different person. I freaked out. I cried and cried and felt so overwhelmed. It was like in the hospital we are on a baby vacation - vacation from the rest of our lives, but once home, it was like the house chores were there, the responsibilities were all there and now with the addition of the biggest responsibility of all - raising a baby. It took a lot out of me to put her down to sleep. I was so use to holding her 24/7, that putting her down for a nap sent me over the edge ... multiple times. I remember saying "I can't do this." And feeling so guilty for feeling that way. I really don't think anyone can REALLY prepare you for caring for a newborn. It's exciting, exhausting, nerve-racking, aggravating, unbelievable ... the list of adjectives could go on and on. I knew it was a 24/7 job, but didn't realize that is was a 24/7 JOB.

The first few weeks consisted of naps, feedings, changing diapers, rocking, fussing, crying (on my part), pain and trying to sleep. Peyton was doing great. She left the hospital weighing 5lbs 7 oz and when we went back two days later, she was up 6 oz - almost to her original birth weight. When we went back at her two week check up, she was up to 6 lbs 6oz. Yay! She was gaining weight. So happy! Everything else was great with her. They were watching her hips - due to the breech position, they weren't 100% in the "socket" so they say we may plan on doing an ultrasound around 2 months to confirm they are growing correctly.

C was becoming the baby whisperer. He knew how to calm her down and in that we found out that she loves the outside. She could be fussing and the second we walked her outside, she became completely calm. Another reason I'm sooo happy that I had her during the summer.

At two weeks, I took her out-out for the first time. First to her ped appt and then a really quick trip to Target. Over the next two weeks, we went out a few more times. To a friends house, to visit work, to BRU - a lot. She is great in the car, in the stroller and on the go. She loves her M.oby Wrap. C loves the wrap too.

We did her first bath after her belly button fell off around 1o days or so. She LOVES the bath!!!

We ran into some breastfeeding issues around 3 1/2 weeks. She seems to be aggravated at how much she needs to work to get the "back end" of the milk. The initial let down is very strong. We are still in the process of trying to "fix" it. But in the interim, I've been pumping and she has been getting breast milk in a bottle. I still try to breast feed her during the day (at night, she nurses fine b/c she is sleepy.) and it's a battle, but one I'm not ready to lose.

She didn't get a one month check up, but we did weight her at home and she was about 7 lbs 2oz give or take. So she gained about 12 oz in two weeks - so good!

I'm sure I'm forgetting things - like she was cross eyed for a bit. She def is going to have brown eyes - like me. I love seeing her smile in her sleep - it is by far the BEST thing ever. She loves her vibrating chair and finally started to enjoy her swing. We have black and white flash cards and she does focus on them. She loves for us to read to her. She is great on tummy time - she has such a strong neck. Hmmm - I know I'm forgetting stuff, but I think this is a good wrap up for the first month.

I will try to get on here at least once a week and update as the days are turning into weeks and soon enough I'll be back at work and she'll be 3 months old!

Catch up - Peyton's Birthday

OK - I have attempted to blog a post three times now and they just sit in my "save now" with a sad little one or two sentences. I haven't had a ton of time to blog - well that's not entirely true - I've chosen to either sleep, eat or clean during those times.

So I'm going to do a few posts catching up this last month.

June 2nd.

OK so after the shock of finding out that the baby was breech, I had amajor breakdown. I know it was selfish, but after saying for 9 months that I didn't want to have a c-section, it was difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I was having one. As I mentioned in a previous post, yes all that matters is that my baby is healthy, but I was still upset that I wouldn't experience labor.

June 3rd.

After two days of laying on an iron boarding upside down, "willing" her to flip and a ton of other "remedies", C and I head to the office to get the fetal weight ultrasound. I was positive that Peyton didn't flip - secretly hoping she did, but after discussing it with C, our plan was to wait until I went into labor or my due date (June 9) which ever came first. This way I gave it some time, possibly go into labor even though we would do a c-section, I would be able to experience the "OMG I'm in labor." I felt comfortable with this game plan.

So we went to our appt for the u/s in the morning and then straight from the apptI was meeting a friend for mani/pedi, which I so desperately needed. We go into the ultrasound and the tech sees that she hasn't changed position. She was ready to pull the wand off my belly and I say, "Wait, we are suppose to get her fetal weight and oh, also they mentioned that my fluidwas low on Wednesday." She starts to do the measurements and I'm noticing that all the measurements on off - 32w, 34w, etc. Here I was 39w1d, but I don't jump to conclusions, because hell, I'm not an u/s tech. At the end, she mentions that my fluid is even lower than it was on Wednesday so "she wasn't sure what midwife K wanted to do."

C and I head back to the waiting room to wait to see K, and as we sit down I tell C we are having the baby today or tomorrow. I know when you are term and if you're fluid is low, they would usually induce, but since she was breech, I knew that we were going for a c-sec. My feelings were starting to change. I was realizing that there could be an issue with the baby and now I didn't care how she came, I just wanted her safe. We go into our appt and K says, yup, you're having the baby today. So home, get your bags and head to the hospital, you are already on the surgical board. Wow, I certainly wasn't expecting this. I had JUST finished work the day before and was looking forward to some time off. C and I get in the car and start calling everyone we know. We get home, get our bags and head to the hospital. (damn, I wanted that mani/pedi!)

June 3rd - birth

So I'm all set in the pre-op labor room. My mom came and hung out with us.

I had to quickly get pre-op blood work done. I guess if you are having a scheduled c-sec, you would go in the day or two before and do the blood work. The anesthesiologist comes in and goes over everything with me and then we are on our way. C is all gowned up and we head to the OR. C has to wait outside until they give me the spinal. That took a bit and really wasn't that painful. There was some odd pressure - when they were inserted the tube, I felt it in my right hip ... weird. They scared me with the whole "as soon as we say go, you have to quickly lay down." But it wasn't that bad. I immediately felt all warm and tingly but I could still move my feet. I must have told them 1000 times "I can still move my feet. I can still movemy feet." I was panicked that I wouldn't be completely numb and they would start cutting. Finally they say "Do you feel any pain?" I said "Are you doing something that would be painful?" and they laughed and said "yes" and I was like "Nope - we're good." As soon as I said that, I felt the cut - not the pain, but the feeling of being "unzippered" it was weird. Once they made the first cut, C was allowed in the room.

C sat a little to the side and my midwife L, who was on call and so great to be in the room with me, told everyone that C wanted to watch. He kept giving me play by play - they are cutting you more, they are pulling weird shit out (that was reassuring), they have her butt, there are her legs, etc. Then they say - K look up, here is your baby!

It was definitely anti-climatic. I look up and see this little purple baby - not crying, but coughing. It felt like forever before she cried, but when she did I felt a little tug at my heart. They were checking her out and then called over to C to see her. He kissed my forehead and went over to her.

They bring her over to me. It was a weird feeling. I couldn't wrap her in my arms the way I wanted to, so I did this weird poking thing. haha. But I was glad that they put her on my chest for a bit.

C then leaves the room with Peyton. My midwife leaves to go to other patients. And then I was alone. Man, that feeling sucks. Here you are, laying with a curtain basically on your face, completely numb from the chest down, can't feel yourself breathing, and your belly open on a table. I was on the edge of freaking out a bit, so I started to get myself in a "zen" mode. I concentrated on my breathing, tried to stay awake - I had this weird feeling that if I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up - praying that they would be finished soon. FINALLY, they were and it was all over. I was headed to recovery, where they told me that they would bring me my baby. I was really concerned about skin-to-skin time. I read and was told that the first hour was very important for that. I was already losing that hour, but I would get her in recovery. Well she never came - apparently there was a back up in the nursery - but I don't think I would have wanted her anyway. My body temp dropped to 94 and they had to put a heating blanket on me and I was sweating like nobody's business. Finally when my temp rose, they started to wheel me out to my room and C was wheeling Peyton into recovery to see me. So they put her on my chest and we made the trip together. When we made it to my room, we got to do skin-to-skin and she made a beeline to my breast and started to feed. It was perfect!

Check out my red nose - those goddamn meds made my nose itch like CRAZZZEEE.

My parents were there, so they came in for a very short period of time. I didn't sleep the first night at all. I just held her. My little peanut.

Next post - the first few days.

Father's Day

I know I haven't posted in a while. I promise to soon - I want to write about the first nights with Peyton before they become a distant memory because of the sleep deprivation. LOL. But I took this photo today of C with our two babies and thought it was too precious not to share with my bloggy friends ...

A few pics

I know I've been terrible about getting pictures up here for you guys. I've been taking a ton with my iphone. I only today pulled out my good camera. Unfortunately these aren't those photos ... haha.

Here is our little peanut.

Peyton is here!

I wanted to jump on really quick and let you all know that my little peanut made her debut on Friday, June 3rd - 6 days early.

So we went to the appt for Friday morning to get an ultrasound to confirm fetal weight. She was still breech (as you know I was hoping she would have changed) and my fluid was even lowered than it was on Wednesday. And on top of that, she was measuring below the 10th percentile so they just wanted to get her out - they called the hospital and put me on the surgical board. So I left the docs office around 11:30. We went home, I straightened up a bit. We grabbed our bags and we in the hospital by 12:15. I had a textbook c-sec and she was born at 3:37pm. She weighted 5lbs 15oz and was just under 19" long.

She is doing really well - she is just a little small, so they are watching her weight gain. She got down to 5lbs 7oz by the time we left. But I'm not concerned about her gaining weight b/c she is an EATER! I'm doing well. Sore, but trying to move around a lot to make sure the healing is continuing. Anyhow, I'll post some pics in a bit. I just need to find some time to do so.

I can't believe she is here!

Throwing a wrench into the plan

So as I mentioned last week, there was no progression and they had me scheduled for an ultrasound to double check the position of the baby. I went in this morning thinking, "great I''ll see her little face again, no problem." Well problem. She is breech. Excellent. Going back in my mind, I started to think if I noticed if she turned and there was an instance when I remember saying "what the hell was that." And now I know that was her flipping about 2 weeks ago.

So my midwife, Christie called an OB that was at the hospital and had me go in to have a VERSION. Basically this is him manually moving the baby from the outside of my belly and try to get her flipped around. O.M.G. Was it painful! And not successful. Even though she is little, I don't have a lot of fluid left - not emergency situation - but not enough to make it easy for her to move.

So as I laid there in the hospital bed, recovering from having this OB's fingers jammed in my liver, we discussed our options. 1. We schedule a c-section during the next few days. 2. We wait for a few days and see if she flips herself back around. She isn't engaged in my pelvis, so she can still wiggle around. 3. Wait for me to go into labor and give birth vaginally to a breech baby.

C and I talked through all these options and I asked a lot of opinions of the nurses, one of my midwives, Caitlin (she was there for the procedure), my SIL and BFF after I left. The nurse and that specific midwife kind reassured me that the vaginal birth was doable - since the baby is pretty small and my pelvic opening is a normal size. However, the stars basically need to align for this to happen. I need to go into labor naturally, by the time I reach the hospital I should be 4-5 cm, no epidural to slow things down and I need to progress perfectly. Even if all that happens, the birth would still need to be assisted - forceps, episiotomy, etc. There is a chance that the baby's head would get caught and then the shit hits the fan. So basically, I ruled that out about after an hour of humoring myself with it. C still thinks it's an option. I told him recently, drop it from the table.

So the next option would be go right to the c-section. But I'm not there yet. I still have a little bit of hope left.

So that leaves me with the option I am sticking to right now - wait a few days and see if she flips on her own. I'm doing a ton of different techniques to help her along - lying on an ironing board that's propped up on my couch, upside down. Playing music near my pelvis to draw her down. Applying a bag of frozen peas on the top of my stomach to make her move away from it. Getting on all fours, sticking my butt in the air and swaying my pelvis. Now since I'm so far along, there is only a 5-10% chance she will actually flip back, but my original midwife, Christie is hoping that since she just recently moved into this position, that she may go back. But at the end of our phone call, she said "K, I think you may just have to have a c-section."

Of course I want the baby to come out healthy - bottom line - but I would be lying if I said I wasn't bummed by this all. I've spent 9 months daydream and imagining what my birth would be like and never once did a breech baby appear in it. I never wanted a c-section. I actually was looking forward to experiencing labor. I know this is a small sacrifice considering I get a baby in the end regardless, but I just need a little time to wrap my head around this new plan.

Position and Dilation?

I have been having a lot of cramping, pressure and shooting pains in my va-gee, so when I went to my midwife appt today, I was excited to hear what kind of progression I have made. First off, my BP was a little high - 130/83. My BP has been excellent throughout the whole pregnancy (110/65), so I was concerned about how high it was. My midwife wasn't really. She thinks because I was running errands this morning and it's 90 degrees, might be the factor, but told me to watch out for weird symptoms - headaches, chest pains, blurred vision, etc. Wonderful.

She measured my belly and did say that I dropped a little bit. Then she felt my belly for the baby and for the first time in 6 weeks, started to question whether or not the baby is head down. What?? I can't imagine the little bulge I've been feeling near my lungs is her head - sometimes I question if it's even her butt because it feels so small. So anyway, she tried to get me into an ultrasound to check, but since it's the Friday before Memorial Day, the u/s tech in the office was gone. She then checked my cervix and figured that she should be able to tell if it's the head internally. That's not so much fun ... def hurts, but I was anticipating the pain from reading message boards and blogs. She said that she is 98% sure the head is down, but still wants me to come in on Wednesday for a ultrasound to check position. Anyhow - she said my cervix is very soft, but no dilation yet! Ahhhh ... I swore that there would have been something, but I guess I'm still 13 days before my due date, so I have some time. I guess I shouldn't try to rush it.

So I will update again after my next appt. And hopefully I'll have another photo of Peyton to share. :)