When it rains, it pours

C and I went to a family party on Sunday for his Gma. My SIL came down - who I love - and there was brunch involved - YAY!

As soon as we got there, a picture was taken of us for a scrapbook documenting the party. Along side of where our photo was to be placed, we were to write a little message to his Gma. So being the efficient husband he is, C sat down immediately and wrote our letter. His sister wanted to "digest" the day and wait until after we ate. In the meantime everyone else continued to write in this book. Finally his sister did her thing and I took the book from her to read what C wrote from "us" and as I was skimming the pages I noticed that there was an entry from their cousin, a 24 yr old wife and mother of two, and the bottom was signed Love, Wife, Husband, Child 1, Child 2 and baby to be named ... What??? She's pregnant? I sat there looking at SIL and C with my mouth open. This girl had her first right after my first loss, had a second and is pregnant again - all while I've been trying and failing! I couldn't believe it. This coming just days after my previous post. SIL gave me a sad face, but C, knowing me so well, made a joke at their expense and got me to laugh. I got up and went over to congratulate her and then she said (mind you, these people don't know what C and I are going through, so no blame, but ...) "Oh yea - this one was a surprise. I feel like I've been nothing but pregnant for years. haha." Ahhh - ya think.

Anyway, the moral of this story is when it rains, it pours. I need to get my anti-pregnant women umbrella out, because I'm sure another storm is coming ....

Ugh

It's the oddest thing about having trouble getting pregnant. I could be having the best day ever, but when something small of a baby relation happens in the world of this infertile - all bets are off.

I slept in late this morning, got up and it was sunny and warm. I thought today is going to be a good day. Checked the weather, got dressed, snuggled my S* (you will meet him soon - best puppy baby ever!) and then innocently jumped online to check email and then peruse FB. And that's when I saw it, ANOTHER friend announcing her pregnancy. It was like a punch from a 250lb man to my stomach. I sat there reading all the "Congratulations!!" and "Being a Mom is the best! Good Luck." and thought to myself - is it ever going to be my turn? And instead of closing the browser, I masochistically went to all the other friends I know are pregnant and read their pages. Why do I do that to myself? Maybe I'm just trying to build up a tolerance to pregnant friends. That way when the next person tells me they are pregnant I won't think of it any more than if they had told me that they bought a shirt or something. Yeah, that's it - sounds like a good idea. I'm so smart! Now back to my good day ...

Already I'm bad poster

It's more than a full month since my last post. If I really want this to be decent, I have to get on here more often.

Since my last post, C and I went on a vacation. It was a last minute trip and a MUST needed one. I've been putting off going on vacation ever since we starting trying to have a bambino. Every time we talked about planning a trip, I'd say "well let's not go to Italy, because if I'm pregnant I won't be able to drink all that great wine ..." And that's pretty much the same line I'd given to France, Greece, New Zealand, etc. Plus the fact that I've lost two pregnancies, I think I'd be nervous going out of the country while pregnant. (I know, I'm going to be one of those big wusses when I get pregnant...)

So we've been putting it off. Finally I had a breakdown a few weeks ago and we planned a trip within two weeks, so as least I knew I was pregnant. Anyhow, it was a great time. However during the trip, AF showed her ugly face four days early. It's like she is saying "Hey, hey - don't forget about me!" She is a persistent bitch.

Well other than that, I have nothing to really report on the fertility front. Status quo (god I hate that saying, but it's the truth)

I promise to get on here more often. I'm a lousy baker and apparently a lousy poster!

First time for everything

So I know there is an abundance of blogs devoted to infertility and the struggles couples face – so the question is why add another? And I answer you with the same answer I found for myself when reading these – it’s therapeutic, it makes you feel not so alone, it’s enlightening and let’s face it, it’s funny. Only infertiles can make fun of the process and the heartache. I need laughter in my life – if not I’d go insane. There are a few blogs I read on the subject that are my daily dose of laughs. These women are FUNNY and I thank them. I only hope that at least one woman may find my dreadful stories humorous.

Ok – here is the back story on me. I always thought I wanted children. I can remember being 19 or 20 and thinking that I would have my first at 22, second at 25 and possibly third at 29. I’d be a mom of three all by the time I was 30. (boy, is hindsight 20/20) All these womb inspired thoughts came along with the fact that I had been with my high school sweetheart for many years and I was going along with the playbook rather than probably doing what I really wanted to do. Four years later, I was single and couldn’t have been more out of the baby making mindset. Then I met my husband, C. He was fun, smart, caring, etc etc, all the things I wanted and more. We moved into together after a few years of dating, got engaged and then married in 2006. I remember getting back from our fantastic honeymoon (Tahiti – AWESOME!) and laying in bed one night and my DH saying “let’s have a baby.” I can recall my exact response – “absolutely not!” I had just finally felt like I wasn’t following a script and was, for the lack of a better word, content. I liked going away. I liked being able to sleep in on the weekends. I liked deciding to run to store on a moments notice without worrying about anything except if my hair looked like shit. I was comfortable with my husband and our life and didn’t “need” a baby to make me happy.
Throughout the next couple of years we had light conversation about starting a family. He was happy either way – I guess I was one on the see-saw. We made the decision to stop birth control, but I made sure we conveniently never hit the mattress “around O time.” Finally in the summer of 2008, we decided to “not-not try” thinking it wouldn’t happen (I have history of Endo) or at least take a while to happen. But Voile! First month I got pregnant. You remember that episode of Friends when Rachel thinks she’s pregnant, and Phoebe lies to her and says it negative and Rachel cries because she realizes that in fact she does want it. (I still love Friends) – that was me. I saw that positive test and all the doubts I had went away and I was so excited to become a mom. Unfortunately I experienced what 20% of women do, a miscarriage. I was just about 8 weeks and obviously devastated. However I use humor to cover up almost all my bad feelings and in fact when I finally did m/c, C came into the bathroom and we said goodbye to our "toliet baby" together. I know, we have a sick sense of humor, but it helps us cope.

After that, I made it my life's mission to get pregnant again. I was obsessed to say the least. I was an OPK taking, HPT buying, message board writing, googling fool! C was freaked out - here was his wife, who just a mear four months earlier didn't know if she wanted kids, demanding that he needs to have sex with her even though he was deathly sick. "It's time. It's time!" I was a maniac.
A few months later, right around Christmas, I found out I was pregnant again. "It's a Christmas miracle!" everyone would say to me. I never really got excited like I did with the first one, in fact I had a really bad feeling about it, but choked it up to an emotional effect of the m/c. However, I guess my feeling was right, because at almost 7 weeks, I found out I had an ectopic pregnancy. It was a whirlwind experience. I found out and left the docs office at 1:45pm, I was in the ER at 2 and in surgery by 3:30. They removed my right tube, along with a "perfect looking" baby. Great! In a post op visit, she showed me the pictures of my tube. C said we should have taken them and showed them off to all our friends who have kids and say "Here's a picture of my baby. Isn't it cute?" I told you, we're sick!

I know this is getting lengthy, so I'll give a quick summary of the following 14 uneventful months to get us here. Finally after 6 months of trying, saw an RE, got on Clomid for 4 months, did an IUI, dumped that RE (as per husband) and saw a new one last month... that kind of brings us up to date.

The new RE has confirmed what I have thought going through the Clomid cycles. My right ovary has more eggs in it than my left. (remember my right tube is gone...) So he believes that my success rate with another IUI and injectables is about 10%. However with IVF, the chances are around 50%. I like those odds better. So we decided to move onto IVF. We were ready to make the car payment - I mean baby payment as soon as possible, but then found out that I could get it covered if I just took the leap and became an employee at the company I freelance at. So now that's were we are. Waiting to get hired and then we are ready....