Confronting Feelings

A few days ago, Katie, one of the ladies whose blog I follow, posted a great, extremely well written (really she is wonderful!) post. She talked about whether it was better to have loved and loss, then to never have loved at all in respects to miscarriages. (read here for the full post)

It wasn't until I read her post that I ever really thought about that. I commented on her post - and to be honest - my answer surprised me. I said that I wish I never had gotten pregnant in the first place. Actually if you read my comment, I come off angry. Angry? I thought I had moved on, I was "healed" and ready to go forward. Yet my comment proves otherwise. But here I was saying that I "cursed this last pregnancy when it went away" and "that my second m/c robbed me, ruined me." It brought up so many feelings that I wasn't aware I felt. I've done such a good job of pushing them down, closing my eyes to them and pretending that I was perfectly fine. And here a blog post made them jump to the surface!

Over the last couple of days, I thought more about this. Whereas I don't regret my comment, I wanted to dig a little deeper into this - for myself. I can obviously say that I wish I never had any of my miscarriages. I really wish I never had the ectopic. But is it true that I wish I were never pregnant at all? All of my losses were before 8 weeks, so I never saw a heartbeat or even saw the "bean" on screen. Does that make it "easier" to say I wish they never happened at all? I don't know. I guess I can't say that I would have never wanted the joy of seeing two lines or telling C that I'm pregnant - those times were so amazing. But in hindsight, since I lost them all, does the happiness of a few weeks out weigh the pain each miscarriage caused? I don't think so. I am a different person because of them ... and not in a good way. I gained traits that I became ashamed of. I turned into someone I didn't recognize. Only now, am I seeing that I am letting go of those traits and starting to become someone I vaguely recognize. But those experiences did take something from me. They took my hope away. They took the calmness and excitement I once felt about becoming a mother and turned it into desperation and jealously.

Although I do think my initial comment was true, I have to say that I can't even imagine going through two years of TTC without getting pregnant. I'm not sure what that does to someone. I guess I will never know. And I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

Even though this situation shocked me, I think it helped me. I think hiding my feelings hasn't really been working for me and comforting them, even as painful and raw as they can be, is healthy. I like to think of myself as resilient and that I can bounce back from "anything" but that's just foolish. A wise woman once said to me "Allow yourself to feel your experiences. Don't just put them on a shelf and move on."

So thank you, Katie, for making me take these feelings off the shelf. I can say that I really think they won't go back on.

Sting

So I work in a marketing and public relations department and part of our job is to pick out promotional items for the other departments of the organization. Our director sent us all a sample of something that she thought was cool. (I should offer up a little background on our department, we have a great time. Our director is one of the best people I've ever had the privilege of working with. We do a TON of work, but laugh a lot about almost everything - if we didn't, we'd go insane!) Anyhow, the promo item was this plastic bag looking thing that turns into a vase when you add water to it. We had a good laugh about how ridiculous it was and then added in a few "serious" reasons why it wouldn't work. I offered up that, like most vases, if the flowers are left in too long, there forms that green crap at the bottom and that a hand is too small to get in and clean it.

Fast forward to RIGHT now ... someone put water and flowers into the sample and our director came over to look at it. One of the co-workers mentioned what I pointed out about the cleaning and then I overheard another co-worker say "You can just use a baby bottle brush." And then I heard, this innocent, but jagged words "Well Kim doesn't know about baby stuff." Ouch.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal and of course it wasn't meant 1. to be hurtful and 2. for me to hear really. My office knows about my struggles. I've been very open about it (since I was missing work for appointments, surgeries and miscarriages) and everyone is so great and understanding. But nevertheless, it still stings when I'm reminded that No, I don't know about anything baby related ... I haven't gotten the chance yet!

Not quite 100% but ...

So I had my meltdown last week. Fortunately for me and C, it wasn't for very long. Actually I was forced out of it with obligations. We had two charity events this weekend and I spent some time last week helping get things in order and then worked both of the events. They were fun and by industry standard, successful, but nonetheless it was work. I couldn't even think about the baby problems for a minute and wouldn't you know it, this weekend was probably O time. (I'm not OPKing, so I'm going off a vague 14 day calendar.) C spent the night out on Saturday and got home late last night. I didn't even say anything to him, but he keeps asking "when's the time?" I don't think I want to try at all this month. I know, coming off a "when will it ever happen to me??" freak out, you would think I'd be all about TTC. Sometimes doing nothing helps the most.

I wish I could apply that logic to my entire life for a week or so - do nothing! Wouldn't that be nice!

The "What ifs" ... Warning: Major Whining

I'm in a bad spot and have been for a few days.

The last few days I have been thinking a lot about the "whys" and "hows" of all of this. My birthday is coming up in less than a month and I'm not upset at all about getting older, but the fact that it's another year without a baby is tough. Most of my friends' kids are all over 1 yr old, some as old as 3 yr and I started trying to expand our family before the majority of them. I can't believe that I've been at this for over 2 years! And still I'm without a baby to call my own.

I've been trying to live in the moment and enjoy the time C and I have without kids, but sometimes it's too much to take. My best friend has two kids (don't get me wrong, I adore them) and is out having play dates with our other friends and their kids and I can't help but feel envious of that. (I hate the word jealous, but that is probably more accurate) I know August isn't far off, but I'm really trying not to put all my eggs (no pun) in one basket - the IVF basket. What if it doesn't work? What if they won't even cover it b/c I conceived on my own last month. God I wish that never happened. It really threw me for a loop. I was all ready for moving forward, and now I don't know what to do? Do I move to onto IVF or do I see what happens for another year?

Major whining alert: I just can't believe this is my life. I should have known this would happen - I have an amazing husband, a great job, all the material stuff (house, car, etc), good friends - of course I can't "have it all." Did I sacrifice the wrong thing? Did my decision to marry later than my friends did, work towards a career and travel diminish my childbearing time? Did I do this to myself?

I hate feeling this way.

Number 2

Ok - it's been sometime since my last "little fact" about myself. I'd like to make this a more regular thing ....

Number 2

I am the President of the Board of a non profit called On.eSimp.leWi.sh. My dear friend D started this nonprofit and I was lucky enough to help her from the ground up. I, of course, did all of the design work in kind. It's one of my favorite logos. It's really a fabulous mission. OSW grants simple wished to children and families in need - primarily children in the foster care system and homeless families. OSW was launched in December 2008 and since then we have granted almost 800 wishes, including taking a ton of foster children to a baseball game; haircuts; prom dresses for girls in foster care or residential homes; and scuba lessons for a Little - just to name a few!

The great thing about how the system is set up is that as a donor you can see EXACTLY where you're money is going. You can choose to search wishes either by age of child, organization affiliated with, item, type of wish (goods, experience, etc.) and dollar amount. Whatever the donor decided to grant, they know that they are sending money for or purchasing a "coat" for "a 5 yr boy" who is living in "foster care" in "x town". It's a great way for the donor to feel a connection with the recipient.

It's a lot of work, but such amazingly rewarded work. Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about something, anything, I think about the 800 children that I helped put a smile on their faces, even just for a day.

For more information on On.e Simp.le Wis.h, please feel free to visit www.onesimplewish.org.

Busy busy bee

I know I have been a terrible blogger. Things have been insanely busy.
I am officially an employee of the organization I've been freelancing with. YAY! Not that it wasn't busy before, but the last two weeks have really tested my patience and sanity. Here's a little example of why work has been making my days living hell! Oh how I love design and the media!


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I've been trying to work out a lot lately - running (trying to run), swimming (trying to swim) and C bought P90X - I'm sure you've all heard of it - it's killer!!! I did a few days and it's crazy. I'm not sure with the addition of swimming to my already kept routine of running, that the P90X is feasible. I was left stranded on the couch, in pain, from the Plyometric class. But that is my focus right now. I'm trying not to think of babies, pregnancy, etc., etc.

I said "trying not to". Last night I was laying in bed (C is away on business, yet again) and out of nowhere my mind went to thinking of what I'd look like pregnant. I thought about rubbing my belly and feeling kicks. Even though I was thinking about it, it almost feels like I'll never really know how that does feel. Like it's a movie playing in my head and I will always just be the audience, watching and wishing it were me.

I know exactly where this is coming from - AF was "due" yesterday if you go by my normal cycle, but considering last month was the m/c, who knows now when it's suppose to be coming. I haven't taken HPT and I'm not going to. I am DEF not pregnant.

Sometimes I need to rope myself back in from the obsessive daydreaming and this is one of those times ... August isn't too far off and honestly, I really do want to get into better shape this summer. I will make that my number one goal over the next few months. If I could devote the last two years thinking about and trying for a baby, I should be able to exchange that thought with exercise. Easy right? .....

Help!

You can't handle the truth!

I'm taking a little break from blogging about IF to bring you a little humor. My friend sent this to me, and I though it was sooo true and funny. Enjoy!

Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze Button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, everytime!